


Do I threaten all your plans?

by heyitsbabz



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: "you're my best friend" means "I love you" in bro-speak, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Josh is aro/ace, M/M, Mental Illnesses, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, fluff and deep talks that make you wanna cry like a bitch, i'm sorry in advance, if you squint really hard maybe it could be read as non platonic, listen it's a deep fic, they've suffered enough dang it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-09-24 21:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9787985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyitsbabz/pseuds/heyitsbabz
Summary: “Who are they?”“Tyler and Josh,” Someone else replies with a sympathetic sniff. “Tyler’s a psycho and Josh lives in a dream.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, another day, another fic.
> 
> This one is mostly for myself, I'm trying to improve my writing by doing research on things (+taking what I know from personal and secondhand experience) and applying them into this and I thought, why not post it and maybe get feedback? (if I write/describe anything mentioned in this incorrectly please feel free to correct me! I don't bite, I promise.) 
> 
> That being said, there won't be any romantic aspect of joshler in this. Josh will be aro/ace, which I've tagged just so people know right from the start. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Since the day Josh got admitted to this god forsaken psychiatric ward, he’s been doing the same exact thing every single day. He hasn't been there as long as some of the other patients, but he was still beginning to lose his fucking mind repeating the same process every time he wakes up.

When he signed all those admission papers he didn't think he’d be living the Truman show in real life.

He’s done this routine so many times now he can schedule it out by memory:

 **6:30am** : Day/Break rooms open, it's where Josh is blessed enough to have his coffee. (No, it doesn't help his anxiety, but being up that early _requires_ coffee.)

 **7-8:30am** : Breakfast. They usually all go to the cafeteria for that. Of course, he sits alone by the nearest window.

 **9am** : Medication time.

 **9:30am** : The first group therapy session of the day. They mostly talk about their daily goals. Sometimes people skip it, but Josh attends for the sake of having something to do.

 **10:45-12pm** : Free time.

 **12-1:30pm** : Another group therapy. This one is fun when they get to play with puppies or do art. Something that _doesn't_ require speaking.

 **1:30-2:15pm** : Josh meets with his psychiatrist or therapist, depending on the day. Usually they talk about how many suicidal thoughts he has in a day. It's fun.

 **2:30-3:30pm** : Group therapy again. Sometimes the therapist shoves a deep topic on them like _do you think you can survive without our help?_ or the question Josh personally despises: _how do you feel today?_ I don’t _feel_ anything, he wants to say. You should be more specific.

 **4-5pm** : Dinner.

 **5-6pm** : Free time. Meds. All that jazz.

 **6-7pm** : Visitation time. Josh isn't always lucky, but sometimes his sister Ashley visits. If not, he just goes and lays in his room.

 **7pm** : Snacks, if you feel like it.

 **7:15-8pm** : The last therapy sesh of the day. They usually ask if you've met your daily goal from the first session.

 **8:30pm** : Meds.

 **9-11pm** : Free time or as they've all agreed to call it: movie 'n chill. It's basically the same as Netflix and chill only this facility doesn't have Netflix, just shitty ass movies on dvd. They make do with what they've got anyway.

After that the nurses shove them all to their rooms and Josh takes it upon himself to shower and so on before he goes to bed.

It’s always the same, maybe different activities and sometimes different questions, but nonetheless, always the same damn thing. Every time.

Now the thing is, Josh doesn't _do_ anything during his free time, per se. He gets quite a bit of it, but being the introvert he is, he doesn't really engage in conversations with anyone else.

He sits by a window and looks out into the garden, specifically straight at the high beige walls gating his freedom. The last thing he ever wanted out of going to the ER was to be locked up in a psychiatric ward. He wasn't even allowed to go outside, for fuck’s sake.

He remembers everything about that night, too; a lot of people here don't really recall things, saying they'd blacked out while everything happened, but not him. No sir, he remembers it all too clearly, almost too vividly to ever forget the night he finally snapped and got into his car, choking on his sobs as he drove himself to the hospital because his parents didn't believe in depression.

_You’re just sad. You'll be fine tomorrow, you'll get over it. Stop being fucking selfish when people out there have it worse than you._

If he closes his eyes he can see himself running into the ER and filling out a form for himself with shaking fingers, tears and snot mixing together and running down his face. He waited and waited and waited until he finally got fed up and grabbed a nurse who was passing by’s hand and begged her to help him.

_I'm going to walk into the nearest bathroom and slit my throat if you don't help me, please ma'am, please believe me. I can't do this anymore. I'm a danger to myself and others, please please please--_

Needless to say they took him into a room straight after, confiscating his knife from him and giving him tissues so he could weep all he wanted, his hysteria being brushed aside.

Next thing he knew he was taking all his things and being admitted into this absolute shithole of a place, all his stuff being taken from him the second he reached the front desk. He remembers being shoved into a room while a doctor took blood tests and asked him a bunch of questions he didn't know the answers to.

 _Do you know why you feel this way?_ No.

 _When did these feelings start?_ Josh couldn't remember if he tried. Maybe when he was 13? 14?

 _Do you want to kill yourself right now?_ Well, not with you in the room, buddy.

The only good part is that while he adjusted to his new surroundings he had no roommate up until a few days ago.

Tyler Joseph.

It was fine, Tyler doesn’t speak to Josh and vice versa. Sometimes Josh hears Tyler talking to himself, but overall they mind their own business and he appreciates it more than Tyler knows. Josh doesn't like to speak, not anymore. Ever since he came out with his problems and realized nothing was helping him, he just lost the hope to get better. In the end he let out his cry for help multiple times and it did nothing for him, so talking just seems like a total waste of time at this point.

Not that he would necessarily describe himself as mute, but he only speaks when he's spoken to and even then sometimes all he can do is swallow, shrug his shoulders or nod yes or no. It’s nothing personal towards his therapists or the random other people locked up with him, it was more the fact that he was so tired of living in this constant mindset where every second thought is a way to kill himself. It’s living in constant fear of the things he can do while he was in a fucking mental hospital. If he didn't feel safe here, somewhere he was monitored 24 hours, 7 days of the week then where would he?

Sometimes he wishes he had just killed himself and put himself out of his own misery.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees someone sit down next to him, their thigh bumping into his own. He doesn't look away from the garden, just stiffens and hopes that they don't speak to him.

“Hey man,” The guy starts, tapping him on the shoulder and Josh flinches away. The guy retracts his hand. “Sorry. Hey.”

Josh takes a deep breath while closing his eyes, quickly trying to compose himself and then looks at the other boy. He’s got brown hair that’s slicked back, a huge forehead and a smirk on his lips that made Josh want to move away as fast as possible.

Instead he nods for the boy to continue; there had to be a reason for him coming to bother him in the first place and now he was curious.

“My buddies and I want to know what you fantasize about everyday,” The guy points out the window. “There's fuck all out there, not even the occasional squirrel, my guy. So what do you see, huh? Death? Sex? Drugs? Frolicking into the sunset fully recovered? Burning this place to the ground?”

Josh hears laughs and chuckles and snickers from behind him and his face heats up in anger. He shakes his head, narrowing his eyes at the kid next to him.

“Why don't you speak, pink hair? You got something against vocal chords?” The kid smacks a hand over his mouth. “Shit, are you mute? _Dude_. What the hell are you doing here? Have you ever participated in therapy? Oh man, you guys, the mute is gonna kill us all, mark my words.”

“Leave him alone, Brendon.” A new voice snaps from across the room.

Josh looks over and sees Tyler leaning forward on the couch, a glare of his own aimed at the kid-- Brendon. Tyler always has something to do with flowers on him, whether it be a shirt, robe, shoes, etcetera etcetera. Today it’s a flower crown on his head while the rest of his clothes are pitch black. He’s got a game controller in his hands and the two kids next to him cheer at winning whatever game they were playing, but Tyler doesn't even react; his attention is on them.

“Well I'll be damned, Donnie Darko, you and pink hair are friends?” Brendon taps his fingers against his chin and grins. “You--”

“Stop,” Josh finally says, voice rough and scratchy like he hasn't used it in a while before looking back out the window. “Leave me alone.”

Brendon pauses for a millisecond. “He speaks!”

“Go away.” Josh whispers, his vision going unfocused, doubles of the flowers (begonias and geraniums and tiger lillies--) outside forming in his line of sight.

_Breathe._

“Sure, pal.”

Just like that, Brendon gets out of the chair next to his, whistling as he walks to the group that was chuckling not so subtly behind him. Josh doesn't turn around to glare, just continues staring blankly outside.

Apparently Brendon’s disturbance gives the new kid, a young chubby ginger boy with oversized sweaters and hoodies, the courage to speak up, an English accent clinging to his words.

“Who are they?”

“Tyler and Josh,” Someone else replies with a sympathetic sniff. “Tyler’s a psycho and Josh lives in a dream.”

At that, Josh curiously looks over at the couch where Tyler is busy handing over his controller to a different kid after losing again (best ⅔ obviously, they weren't complete savages) and waits for him to notice and lock his eyes with his.

All Josh can do is smile gratefully because no one’s ever defended him before and watch as Tyler slowly, almost wickedly returns it in the form of a smirk with a passive shrug tossed his way as if to say it was no big deal.

Josh begs to differ.

When a nurse comes in a few minutes later to announce it’s time for group therapy number two, Josh snaps out of his trance and realizes he hadn't stopped staring at Tyler.

Tyler hadn't stopped staring at him, either.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of self-harm
> 
> peep those accidental references my dudes, my pals.
> 
> I'm pretending Josh's yellow hair doesn't exist, that's why his hair is pink.

Josh’s day keeps getting worse and worse.

Not only had he completely ruined the drawing he’d been working on during therapy _numero dos_ by colouring outside the lines due to his shakiness, but he also felt the tears pricking his eyes because of it. It was embarassing and humiliating and he tried so hard to will himself to calm the hell down with nothing to show for it.

Honestly, he just wants to say a big _fuck you_ to his anxiety, thank you very much.

To add to that, he decided he didn't want to stay in the day room after that whole situation, heading straight to his own personal room to let his head fall into his hands, distraught at how _this_ had become his life.

A nurse peaks into his room every 15 or so minutes only to see him curled into himself, sniffling softly. She doesn't ask if he's alright; it’s very obvious he’s not.

He’s not alright. He’s not okay. He’s beginning to think he never will be.

Once he’s ushered into the third group therapy meeting of the day though, that’s when he almost loses it completely.

“How are you feeling today,” The therapist, Paul Snyder, starts, eyeing up the circle of people before his eyes land on Josh. “Josh? Would you like to share?”

Josh stares at him. He stares back.

He wants to die.

With a purse of his lips, he shrugs his shoulders and looks away.

“Josh, you know you shouldn't be… _afraid_ to speak to us.” Paul assures and he can feel everyone's eyes on him. He hates it.

 _Please stop_ , he begs them silently.

He shrugs again.

Before Paul can utter another word and give Josh the opportunity to finally snap and tell him to fuck himself for always pushing him to speak when he clearly doesn't want to, he hears another voice pipe up.

“Excuse me, I'd like to speak too,” Tyler scoffs, crossing his arms. “Josh isn't the only one here. I, for one, feel like screaming.”

Tyler Joseph is an angel.

“Screaming?” Paul is intrigued and so is everyone else, eyes turning to focus on him. Josh relaxes.

“Yes,” Tyler gives a sick, twisted smile. “It blocks out the voices.”

“The voices aren't real.” Paul reminds and Tyler waves a hand dismissively.

“Can I scream?” Tyler asks, a hopeful undertone in his voice.

“I don't see why not.”

And so, Tyler screams. He screams and he screams and he screams and Josh doesn't even bother covering his ears like the rest of the group have started to.

The chaos and pain in Tyler’s voice is oddly soothing.

\---

At the end of the day, Josh takes his meds and heads straight to his room, the thought of watching a movie with everyone else makes the bile rise in his throat. His anxiety had been too high today and at this rate he would probably never be discharged from this hell.

What he’s prepared to do is have another crying session, just to let it all out.

He doesn't expect Tyler to come in after him, humming softly to himself.

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days.” He’s singing decently, plopping ungracefully down on his bed. He doesn't even look at Josh. “Do you ever wish you could turn back time?”

Josh is sitting cross legged on his bed, his phone forgotten as soon as he spotted the other boy. Tyler is still wearing the flower crown, his eyes closed as he turns to lay on his side.

Josh doesn't answer.

At Josh’s silence, Tyler cracks open an eye to look at him and make sure he’s listening. Or something.

“I do.” Tyler sits up again, reaching up and removing the crown from atop his head. “Maybe I could, you know, stop myself from being batshit crazy.”

Josh stares, not entirely sure what Tyler is getting at. Tyler runs his fingers through his hair, fluffing it out.

“Oops, sorry, we’re not meant to degrade ourselves in this shithole, are we?” Tyler huffs a laugh. “What happened for you to land yourself in here?”

That's a question Josh never thought he’d get asked by another patient. His throat and mouth go dry, his fingers instinctively clenching.

“Right, we’re not supposed to ask that, I know, but I'm curious.” Tyler gets up and walks slowly over to his bed. “Were you sexually abused? Is that why you don't speak? I've seen enough movies, you know. You can trust me. I promise I won't tell anyone.”

Josh gives him an appalled look when he drops down next to him, tucking a leg beneath himself while letting the other dangle off the edge carelessly.

He shakes his head. No.

“That’s cool, I'm glad that you weren't,” Tyler nods, glancing up at Josh shyly, almost looking innocent by contrast. “But now I _really_ want to know what's got you so fucked up.”

It takes all his willpower not to punch Tyler right in the face. It must show, because Tyler throws up his hands in defence.

“I'm just curious, jeez.” Tyler drops his hands and leans forward slightly. “Between you and me, you're my favourite person in this place. You do your own thing, totally have no problem being alone. I wish I was like that. I love attention too much, though. When it’s not on me I get slightly restless. Agitating is what my therapist would say. Or maybe annoying.”

 _Yeah, I can tell_ , Josh thinks, giving him a look that easily portrays that thought.

“I'll tell you what Joshie, I’m not really a shy person, I have no problem telling you why _I’m_ here.” Tyler smiles and Josh is acutely aware of how much he hates his life _and_ the nickname. “Do you want to know?”

What the hell, why not? Might as well let the guy talk to his heart's content.

Josh shrugs.

“I tried stabbing my mother,” Tyler sniffs, lifting up his bandaged wrists, the gauze travelling all the way up to his forearms. They would have gone unnoticed had Tyler not lifted them. “When I realized what I had done, I turned the knife on myself and just. Kept. _Cutting_.”

The atmosphere in the room shifts almost immediately and a nurse peaks her head in to assess them, to make sure they were… okay. Josh doesn't turn to see her smile. She probably thinks he’s socializing, finally opening up.

All he can do is stare wide eyed at Tyler as he starts picking at the bandages, as if he’s had them on so long it was second nature now.

_How deep did he cut?_

“I only did it because I was told to, by like, the voice in my head. I thought it was my conscience, you know?” Tyler looks at him and chuckles at his expression. “Turns out I’m a fucking schizo. A depressed schizo at that!”

Tyler laughs, a full bodied laugh, dimples forming on his cheeks, but Josh is frozen in place. He doesn't know what he should do. He doesn't know if he's _safe_.

This is why people don't share why the fuck they're locked up.

“Don’t worry, I'm sure they watch me an extra amount. I'm probably filed under crazy suicidal headcase in their folders or something.” Tyler sighs, his eyes turning sad. He looks like a kicked puppy and Josh would hug him if he weren't so terrified.

“They gave me meds to help, you know? And they do, most of the time.” Tyler pauses and leans back on his hands. “But sometimes I can still hear him taunting me, telling me to do things. And I know I shouldn't listen, but I'm so scared. It’s fucked up, right? I’m going to be locked up here for the rest of my life, man.”

Josh taps Tyler’s knee and waits until he’s looking at him to shake his head vigorously.

“You’ll get better.” Josh tells him and his face heats up at his slip up. He shouldn't have talked. Why did he talk?

Tyler’s responding smile could probably blind him, it’s so bright.

“Thanks, I hope so.” Tyler leans forward again, grinning. “Since I got you to talk, will you tell me why you're here?”

Josh smiles widely, watching as Tyler’s eyes light up when he opens his mouth. It's not that he likes messing with Tyler, because he could probably snap and kill him somehow but... he _likes_ messing with Tyler so when it looks like he'll break out and say his own sob story, he just snaps his mouth shut and shakes his head with a shrug.

Tyler gapes, then he laughs, reaching forward and pushing his shoulder lightly.

“Oh, you're a tease, huh?” Tyler nods, face deep in thought. “I kinda dig it, the whole mysterious theme you've got going on. It’s… fresh.”

Josh tilts his head, questioning.

“Everyone knows why the other is here,” Tyler explains. “We all speak to each other during free time, but you? You’re a mystery.”

A smirk pulls at Josh’s lips.

Tyler gets up then, walking back over to his bed and undressing himself. He tosses his shirt off and then his jeans, neatly folding them before walking into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he comes back out, crawling under his covers, he smiles at Josh and it's full of sincerity and genuine interest.

“You’re not so bad, Josh,” Tyler yawns, laying his head down and closing his eyes. “You’re a great listener.”

Josh is sure his laugh could be heard all the way in the day room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no joke, while I wrote this entire chap I've had waves by dean lewis on repeat. 
> 
> give it a listen if you feel like it. 
> 
> enjoy.

When he wakes up in the morning, the only thought running through his head is that he wishes he were dead.

It turns out to be one of his Bad Days.

He doesn't want to get out of bed and it’s only when Tyler grunts and starts getting dressed himself, looking over at him and the way he’s curled around his covers with a look of concern on his face, that he realizes he’s crying.

He’s so fucking tired of crying.

Tyler doesn't speak to him as he leaves and Josh is so, so grateful. The idea of putting effort into socializing makes him shudder in itself. He’s not grateful when a nurse comes in afterward, trying to coax him to leave the room.

After shaking his head and letting out a few soft sobs, she relents and leaves.

She comes back and sets a plate with some scrambled eggs, toast and a blueberry muffin on his desk.

It’s left untouched.

He only gets out of bed to meet with his personal therapist, pulling on a pair of sweats and a oversized hoodie even though his body screamed for him to just do him a favour and drop dead. The look very obviously screamed _I’m a mess! Look at me! Just look!_

It’s silent as he sits in the chair opposite his therapist, Darlene. She’s a nice lady with long brown hair, full lips and eyeshadow around her eyes to make them look bigger, more alive.

Since Josh got there, she's been the one supporting him with his ‘recovery’.

“How are you, Josh?” She starts with the same question every time.

Josh always gives the same reply: a shrug.

“You’ve been upset. Why?” Darlene gets right into it, not in the mood to waste time on pleasantries.

He shrugs again.

“You’re going to have to do better than a shrug, Josh.”

His anxiety spikes, his fingers beginning to shake and he starts thinking about how his anxiety meds do shit for him. Maybe he should tell his psychiatrist to up his dosage next time he sees him. He starts twirling his fingers around each other, trying to hide his discomfort.

“Joshua.” Darlene says and his head snaps up, teeth catching at his bottom lip.

“What do you want me to say?” He replies softly, quietly. His voice shakes as though he’s about to burst into tears.

He definitely wouldn't be surprised.

Darlene sighs, scribbling something down into her notes. “Why have you been isolating yourself to cry?”

“Because I hate myself. I want to die.” The reply is monotonous, robotic even to his own ears. He’s said this to her so many times he’s lost count.

“That’s not an excuse to stop yourself from socializing,” She says softly and Josh sinks lower into his chair. “Sometimes talking can make you feel better rather than worse.”

Josh stays silent, a certain stain on the maroon rug catching his eye. It’s brown; maybe spilled coffee. Maybe someone knocked into someone else and made the mess. Maybe Josh is so fucked up he can't even look up at his therapist and agree with her. He continues twirling his fingers as she looks down at her notes again.

“It says here you and another patient did speak,” Her voice sounds surprised and when Josh looks at her he can see the shock on her face, too. “Your roommate, Tyler Joseph.”

His face flushes as he looks away again, sharp teeth sinking into his lower lip. He’s pretty sure he can taste the bitterness of his blood on his tongue.

“ _You_ don't speak to him, do you?”

A shake of a head leads to a sigh of disapproval, both of which annoy the other.

They move past it.

“Do you enjoy when he talks to you?” She’s not even looking at him anymore and Josh feels like he’s done something wrong.

It’s not his fault he’s a depressed piece of shit who can't do anything right. He didn't ask for this life. He didn't want any part of this.

“I- I guess,” He whispers honestly, voice cracking at the confession.

It’s therapy, what else is he supposed to do? Lying got him nowhere.

“You should try talking to him in the day room,” She taps her pen to her chin, her eyes gleaming in the light. “Or during therapy. Rubbutal his outbursts. He does tend to talk a lot. Maybe you two can balance each other out.”

“I’ll try.” He barely gets out, his heart feeling as though it’s going to burst out of his chest. “I _am_ trying.”

“Listen Josh, I had a brother in the same situation as you once upon a time. He was in a dark place, thought the world was after him even when he started seeing a therapist and all. When I asked him why he thought that, all he’d tell me is ‘do you trust me?’”

“Of course I’d tell him I did, but as a stressed out 21 year old college student I also asked him if he was even _trying_ to get better.” She leans forward, elbows resting on her desk while locking her eyes with Josh’s. “I care about you Josh, and I want you to get better and do great things with your life. That's why I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him when he told me he was trying.”

Josh waits and his fingers still in his lap, unable to break her gaze no matter how intimidated he is of her in this moment.

“ _Try harder_.”

\---

The next day is spent under his covers crying and ignoring Tyler when he asks if he’s okay.

Sobs echoe into the hall when it’s quiet and Tyler doesn't ask him anything else. Doesn’t even look at him while he blows his nose and continues with his emotional breakdown.

He can almost _feel_ Darlene’s disappointment.

\---

Third time's the charm, apparently, because the following day Josh seems to wake up in a great mood. Well, not _great_ , but less chaotic and upset than the last two days.

He finally showers, washing away all the feelings he’d had a few days ago and when he gets out it feels as though he’s a new person, reborn. He gets dressed before Tyler wakes up and heads over to the day room to grab his coffee, chugging it down like it’s the best damn drink he’s ever had.

Once he’s done his coffee, he makes his way into the cafeteria to finally eat something. Granted, he only ate a piece of toast, but after not really eating anything for two days it was almost heavenly.

When he’s in group therapy number 1 and the therapist asks what everyone's goal is for the day, he surprises himself by having one.

Not to cry.

It was simple enough, how could he fuck that up?

He leaves the room smiling and takes his place by the window in the day room, looking out at the garden with a small sense of hope. If he can go the day without crying it would be, like, the first step to setting goals for himself to get better. He can do it, he knows he can.

“Hey Joshie,” Tyler sits in the chair next to his and startles Josh, a gasp leaving his lips. “Sorry. You’re easily spooked, huh?”

Josh rolls his eyes and looks Tyler over. His hair is fluffed out, his chapped lips pulled into a grin with a sweater covered in roses and black jeans on.

“I’m glad you're feeling better, I was worried about you, ya know?” Tyler turns so he’s facing him and Josh does the same, knees knocking together in the process. There's a whiteboard in Tyler’s lap. “That, and your crying is so dang annoying when I'm trying to sleep. Where’s your sense of respect and decency, dude?”

Josh smiles and points to Tyler’s lap.

“Right! So, I know you don't like to talk and I don't want to _force_ you to talk to me, so I went and asked a nurse for a journal to let you, I don't know, write it out?” Tyler rubs the back of his neck, eyebrows furrowing together before he drops it. “Anyway, the nurse said it’d be easier to use this. You waste less paper and shit. It’s actually pretty sick.”

Tyler presents the whiteboard and blue marker with the eraser attached at the tip of it to him and his eyes shine happily. Josh feels a lump form in his throat at how touched he feels over Tyler's explanation. Tyler didn't have to do this for him and the fact that he respects and understands that he doesn't like talking while all his therapists always tried to force him to makes his heart flutter in his chest.

Tyler may have some problems, but so did everyone in this stupid place. He was just patient and kind enough with him where many others haven't been.

Josh appreciates it.

Josh feels the tears burn his eyes.

His fucking daily goal is ruined thanks to Tyler Joseph.

He takes the board and blue marker and quickly starts writing out a message, much to Tyler’s content.

_You asshole!_

“What?” Tyler splutters, his entire features shifting into confusion.

Josh erases it and starts writing again.

_My daily goal was to not cry today and look what you've done!_

Sure enough, when Tyler looks into Josh’s face there's a stray tear falling down his cheek. He smirks in relief that _that's_  what bothered Josh and not something beyond that. Josh gives him his best unamused face.

“Hey man, it’s not my fault you're sensitive.” Tyler grins and leans his head in his palm, his elbow resting on the windowsill. “My dad once told me to ‘man up’ because I was crying and I replied that I don't see gender ‘cause I'm not a sexist piece of shit like him. He was _so_ mad. So mad.”

Josh snickers imagining a crying Tyler telling off his dad.

_Are we at that point of the friendship where we talk about our shitty families already?_

“It seems like it,” Tyler leans back in his chair while crossing his arms. He knocks his knee against Josh’s jokingly. “Hashtag _level up._ ”

_Ha ha you’re funny._

Josh lets him read it before erasing it and writing some more.

_Are you just trying to figure out why I'm in here?_

Tyler fakes a gasp of offence, his hand flying to his chest. “How dare you accuse me of such, such, such  _inhumane_ motives. I’m truly baffled at your ignorant accusation.”

Josh raises an eyebrow and Tyler lets out a breathy laugh.

“I don't care why you're in here,” Tyler assures him and Josh feels the tension leave his shoulders. “Do you know sign language?”

Now that's a question Josh hasn't been asked since his first therapy meeting. It’s cool of Tyler to ask, Josh thinks. Not many people put two and two together when it comes to Josh being mute by choice.

_Nah, but I do know morse._

“Dude, same!” Tyler jumps a little excitedly at that. “I also know a bit of sign. You know, the basics. Letters. If you ever want to learn, I'm your guy.”

Before Josh can write out his reply, a nurse is telling them to make their way to group therapy. It’s almost comedic when Josh feels disappointment weighing down on his chest.

Someone nudges his shoulder as he gets up.

“So, why are you in here?” Tyler whispers jokingly, his dimples on his cheeks and eyes crinkling in delight.

Josh smiles back.

_Fuck off. :)_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should rec songs to listen to at the beginning of every chap, because why not?
> 
> Today's song: Inhale and Hold by Vesperteen

People come and go, some being discharged early for really great behaviour and showing improvement whereas the others are being sent to facilities better suited for them. Honestly, Josh doesn’t really care and only hears the gossip because Tyler was so vehement to give his opinions to someone.

Josh doesn’t mind, not really. Tyler has a nice voice, so soft and light that gets a little deeper when he’s passionately speaking. It sort of makes him feel safe.

Or something.

He probably likes it because he’s grown used to it and Tyler is the only friend and _constant_ he’s ever had in his life besides therapists and his siblings.

It’s a nice feeling nevertheless.

Tyler’s mentioned how he’s always felt like people don't actually listen to him when he speaks and zone out to his words. They don't listen to him because he has so much to say and it’s hard to keep up, Tyler explains, but Josh never wants to be that person, he wants to hear Tyler and listen to him intently while processing every word he says even though sometimes it’s complete and utter bullshit.

Josh just wants to be a good friend to someone. He wants someone to be proud of him. He wants to do something right for once.

They’re in their usual spot by the window, Tyler talking away about how one of the other patients got sent to a different rehab center ‘cause he tried to stab his therapist with a pencil. The story would have sounded so much worse and made Josh more worried if Tyler hadn’t been wearing flower leggings that made him look so _soft_ and _sweet_ as he said it.

After all, Tyler was in here for trying to stab his mom. Obviously he would find this specific gossip train interesting and worth talking about.

“Anyway, I think, like, the therapist who was working with Pete had to get a therapist of his own because he was so traumatized.” Tyler says, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Pretty ironic, if you ask me.”

_Oh yeah, totally. I personally love when people attempt to stab me._

“Don’t be a smartass.” Tyler shoves at Josh’s knee, mockingly annoyed.

_Don’t be stupid then._

“Man, I love how you never take any of my shit.” Tyler chuckles before his gaze shifts to the figure pulling up a chair and sitting in front of them. “Can we help you, Brendon?”

“Why yes you can, Tyler dearest,” Brendon sniffles and Josh can only stare with pursed lips. “I got bored of my circle.”

“Sounds tragic.” Tyler deadpans.

“It is.” Brendon nods and looks over at Josh. “Nice to see you again, pink hair.”

Josh quickly starts writing.

_It’s Josh._

“Cool, Josh then.” Brendon grins, pointing to his whiteboard. “That’s interesting.”

Josh shrugs and looks at Tyler nervously, his anxiety finally catching up to him.

“Why are you in here, Josh?” Brendon asks, getting straight to the point and Josh grits his teeth together.

Why does everyone want to know? Can't they just mind their own business?

“Shut up, Brendon.” Tyler starts, earning a pout from the other boy.

“I’m just making conversation,” Brendon sighs, tapping his fingers on his thighs. “I tried burning down my school. Pyromania, you know. I like fire.”

Josh just stares.

“Nobody got hurt, don't worry. In fact, the only reason I'm _here_ and not some kinda juvie camp is ‘cause I called the cops and told them what I was planning to do.” Brendon chuckles softly, crossing his arms over his chest and slouching a bit. “Guess I lucked out.”

Tyler watches him warily as he begins writing on his board.

_Why fire?_

“I dunno, I can't really explain it,” Brendon shrugs. “There's just something beautiful about it, you know? It’s chaotic and peaceful at the same time. A total paradox. If I don't die surrounded by fire I'll be so disappointed.”

“Dude, that’s morbid.” Tyler says, but Josh sort of understands. He can see the beauty behind a death like that.

“Just like you, Wednesday Addams.” Brendon retaliates with a smirk of his own and Tyler scoffs in disbelief.

“Whatever, prince Zuko.”

It’s silent for a millisecond before all three of them are bursting into laughter, the board in Josh's lap almost falling to the ground completely.

They don't speak again after that and Josh takes the time to look outside again. It’s raining today, the wind making the trees rustle with it and the flowers to tremble with every drop of water. Some petals have fallen off, clinging to the ground to not be blown away and Josh closes his eyes.

One day he’ll leave this place.

\---

Josh’s family hasn't visited in awhile.

It’s not their fault, his sister was working overtime lately and well, his parents didn't really care about him enough to visit more than once a month.

It still didn't hurt any less whenever he got his phone only to see his sister Ashley’s _sorry, can't make it today :(_ text. He hadn't seen Jordan and Abigail because of it, too. Usually Ashley drives them all to see him, like one big happy family would.

He may be pathetic, but it upsets him too damn much. He misses his family. He misses being at home and pretending he was okay.

It’s what he’s thinking about when Tyler comes storming in, a glare on his face as he slams himself down onto his bed and screams into his pillow.

Josh watches him scream and writhe as though he’s in pain, but doesn't make any move to approach him. He doesn't necessarily like getting punched and Tyler seems like the type to have a good right hook on him.

It’s not until Tyler sits up, breath coming out fast and shallow, his chest heaving slightly that Josh gets up and walks over to his bed. He sits down next to him, the whiteboard and marker in his lap as he reaches over to pat Tyler on the back in what he hopes is a soothing way.

He’s not very accustomed to helping other people when they’re upset.

“You ever been in love, Josh?” Tyler speaks after a few minutes of silence.

Josh’s stomach drops and a nauseating feeling fills it. He doesn't know what to do other than part his mouth to suck air into his lungs, feeling almost too suffocated in the small confines of their bedroom as he grabs his marker.

_No._

Tyler reads it then looks at Josh with disbelief written all over his face.

“Ever?”

_Nope. I'm not good with emotions, I guess._

Josh swallows as he watches Tyler read the board, his heart leaping into his throat when they lock eyes.

“That’s okay,” Tyler whispers, then clears his throat. “I just broke up with my girlfriend.”

_I’m sorry man_

“Well, she broke up with me. Said she quote unquote couldn't see a future with someone like me.” Tyler snorts in disbelief. “She just didn't want the trouble of being with a fucking psycho.”

Josh shakes his head angrily.

_Hey, you're not._

“Yeah, whatever,” Tyler mumbles, hiding his face into his shoulder.

 _Tyler maybe she just wasn't right for you,_ Josh writes and erases it when Tyler reads it. _I mean, look at you. you're a total stud! and have such a cool personality! girls AND guys would jump at the chance 2 b w u_

Josh abbreviates the last few words to make them fit onto the board before running out of space and shows it to Tyler.

The small smile that forms on his face is worth everything.

“Thanks, J.” Tyler sighs, laying his head on Josh's shoulder. “I loved her so much. I was gonna marry the heck outta her, you know? She was it for me.”

Josh hums to show that he’s listening.

“But then we started fighting and I started going crazy and now I'm here, so that obviously wasn't a life meant for me.” Tyler sniffs sadly. Josh hopes he doesn't cry. “Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy.”

Josh stays quiet at that, wrapping his arm around Tyler’s shoulders in comfort instead. He doesn't think he’s got the right to tell Tyler that he _will_ be happy someday, it’s not his place.

Josh should start with telling himself he’ll be happy before preaching to others.

Tyler sighs, leaning into Josh even more for a few minutes, both of them lost in thought. It’s funny that just a few weeks ago the idea of even acknowledging Tyler scared him half to death and now he was here, comforting him.

Being a good friend.

Josh almost smiles, but he doesn't think now is the time. Tyler might think he’s laughing at him for getting dumped and that’s the last thing he wants.

Tyler finally pulls away from Josh’s embrace slowly, his eyes searching Josh’s face for something he can't quite find.

“How old are you, Josh?”

_Twenty one._

“Sweet, me too,” Tyler grins, clapping his hands together. “When we get out of here we should go grab a drink.”

And it’s the way Tyler says _when_ and not _if_ that brings hope into Josh that the actual possibility of getting out of here someday is real.

_yessir it's a date_

“Look at me, already back in the game.” Tyler jokes and Josh laughs, shaking his head at him.

A nurse comes in to tell them it’s time to go to bed and to hand over their phones if they had taken them.

Josh points to his bed where his phone is and the nurse nods, reaching over to go get it and pointing a stern finger at them.

“Go to sleep.”

Tyler rolls his eyes as she leaves the room.

“I hate how they treat us like we’re kids.” Tyler whispers and Josh nods.

_Or like we’re going to break._

“Yeah, it’s ridiculous.” Tyler gets up and groans, Josh following suit.

They both get ready for bed, Tyler brushing his teeth in the bathroom as Josh changed and vice versa.

It all comes back to the routine of things. Josh would have liked to shower before bed, but talking with Tyler is always different. Made his life sort of exciting in a way because he never knows what to expect when it comes to him.

“G'night, Jish.” Tyler slurs, already half asleep in his bed.

Josh just smiles as he closes his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is deep. finally gettin' somewhere.
> 
> Songs of the chapter:  
> Silhouette - Aquilo  
> Also, Goner. Such an important song.  
> Stay safe. Stay alive.  
> Love ya.

Tyler likes to play the board games the facility provides them.

Josh assumes it's because the games like to test his mind and quiz him into being the better player, but he can't be too sure because the other boy always surprises him when it comes to these types of things. Josh doesn't mind playing and losing, not at all, but Tyler lets out these frustrated breaths when he finds himself on the losing tally and mutters under his breath as if Josh can't hear him.

Josh just stifles a smile at the other boys competitiveness most of the time.

Today, Tyler sits next to him with a puzzle of the aristocats.

“The nurse, Sarah, said that it’s missing a few pieces, but I think we can get it done.” Tyler says quietly and the lack of determination and overall feeling on his face worries Josh.

He shrugs it off and motions for Tyler to spill out the pieces from the box for them to get started. He waits to see that familiar fire light up his eyes, the one that made Josh feel like anything is possible, but they stay cold and unchanging.

Josh reaches for his whiteboard.

“Don't.” Tyler’s voice stops him, freezing him in place and makes Josh glance over at him. Tyler looks _tired_. “Just—Don't, okay?”

Tyler’s shoulders are slumped, like the weight of the world is on them and Josh feels bad for him, he wants nothing more than to somehow help him and share this burden he feels.

But Josh has his own burdens to take care of and Tyler wasn't looking for anyone's help with his… his endeavors.

That much was crystal clear.

He doesn't even reach forward to try and attempt to fix the puzzle, just lets Tyler do his thing by himself, his fingers shaking in his lap anxiously because he doesn't know what to do to be a reassuring friend.

This is the first time, Josh thinks, that Tyler has shut him out.

It shouldn't bother Josh, whatever Tyler is going through is his own problem and if he doesn't want to share it, then Josh should support that decision. In fact, irony is a little bitch because Josh hasn't opened up to Tyler _once_ since they've become closer friends, keeping his secrets hidden in his head for him and him alone to know. Yet here he was, upset and feeling like the world was crashing down around him because Tyler won't speak to him, he _won't speak_ , and isn't this a taste of his own medicine?

Josh hears talking around him, he hears laughter, yelling, sighs, he even hears “Josh, you're crying,” but it’s muffled, far away as he pushes his chair back abruptly, the sound of scraping against floor making him wince as he decides to leave the room.

 _This isn't about you!_ Josh yells at himself as he falls down onto his springy mattress. _Don’t make this about you, you selfish asshole._

Josh cries and he cries, his sobs muffled by his pillow and maybe, just maybe, if he’s lucky, this very pillow will suffocate him and put him out of his misery. The thought is so nice that Josh actually pulls away to gather air into his lungs to continue this reverie just in time to see Tyler walk into the room.

He doesn't know what to expect, his head isn't in the right place and he wants to die, _diediedie_ , but he can't, not in this place where they watch his every move, like he’s some lab experiment they can suddenly miraculously cure.

No amount of meds shoved down his throat will make him want to die any less.

Tyler doesn't say a word to him as he passes by, just drops the whiteboard on his bed and walks back out without a second glance.

Josh doesn't care, he’s lost, daydreaming and coming up with ways he can leave this poor excuse of a mental institute and finally end his life. He can beg Ashley to get him out, to say they don't have the money to continue paying for this. He knows his parents would _love_ that, the prospect of their son being _cured_ and once he’s out and back home, finally settled back in, there's so many ways he can off himself.

Would he want it to be a canvas death? Shoot himself in the head with his dad’s gun and paint the walls with his blood and brain residue?

Would he take the easy route, the safe one where if needed he can back out? Like, say, swallow a bunch of pills and throw them up if he decides to back out last minute?

Would he jump off the nearest bridge, hopefully cracking his skull against the rocks that would await him and if that doesn't cut it, have the rapid river stream drown him?

Maybe he’ll just keep it simple and go full circle; slit his throat, bleed out and call it a day.

There’s so much he needs to decide, so much he needs to take care of and he’s smiling because this can _work_ , he can finally do this, he can, he can, he _can_.

He feels like he can finally breathe, coming alive one last time just to push himself into his final act.

Reaching for his whiteboard to go ask one of the nurses for his phone and set the plan into action, he comes to a complete stop. Everything in him ignites in a way that burns him, makes him want to scratch and tear away at his skin until it's raw and bleeding and _gone_ to the point he’s unrecognizable.

What he’d been planning, all the things he’d been thinking is just all the more reason why he should stay in this horrid place and he knows this. He _knows_. He hates that he even let himself into that dark train of thought and entertained the idea of death.

How could he be selfish enough to want to leave his siblings behind? How could he do that to them? He can't. He won't. He’s stronger than this. He asked to be here. He wanted to get help and ultimately stay alive, not for himself, but for them because they deserve a happier, stable life. They shouldn't have to deal with the grief of losing their older brother to suicide, even if it’s what he wants so, so desperately.

This was his choice, he wants to be good enough for them to be proud of and he can’t let them down. They have so much hope in their eyes whenever he see's them, he can't be the one to crush it, not like this.

And it’s funny that it’s messy, almost shaky handwriting that brought him back to his unwanted reality, because there, on his board, was one word written in all capitals as if to knock some sense into him:

 _PERSEVERE_.

Josh lets out a strangled, guttural scream before burying his head in his hands until a nurse comes in to check on him. It’s the loudest sound any of them have heard from him.

She tells him repeatedly that it’s okay, everything is fine, he’s okay.

Josh doesn't quite believe her.

One step forward, two steps back, after all, is his life’s motto; the unwanted cycle he’ll never quite break.

 

* * *

 

Josh doesn't attend group therapy for 3 days and he and Tyler ignore each other when they’re in the same room which, to be fair, is mostly expected, but it still hurts. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does, but God, Josh is sensitive and these kinds of small things take over his mind and he picks at them until they snowball into something bigger than they are. It makes him want to scream and cry and scream some more.

He’s trying to work on not doing that anymore, but it’s _hard_.

When he does attend therapy, the therapist of the day, Diane, tells them to take a piece of paper and write down things that make them a good person. People groan, some complain, but Josh stays silent, looking at the paper that was passed to him with a blank expression.

He doesn't know how long he stares at it, his hands not even bothering to move and write something. There’s nothing good about him. He does everything wrong and everyone hates him for it, he knows they do. Even strangers give him disgusted looks when they see him, all dyed hair and tattooed, their minds creating a story of him before they even know who he is.

It’s mostly silent in the room, everyone’s focused on writing about themselves until Josh hears it.

It’s a gentle tap, not too loud to disrupt anyone, but just loud enough to be made out. Josh instinctively looks over at Tyler and sure enough Tyler isn't looking at him, but his finger taps away on the desk, once, twice.

Josh realizes he’s talking in morse and listens closely as Tyler taps it out a third time.

_B-O-R-E-D._

Josh brings a palm to his face to stifle his smile before his finger taps back to him, long and short stops coming to him from memory.

_S-M-A-R-T._

Tyler tilts his head and maybe Josh shouldn’t sass him when he’s trying to talk to him after all the silence, but it’s fun and he enjoys it. The things he enjoys come to him so rarely that he’s just taking this and running with it until he’s out of breath and clutching at his sides in pain.

Tyler answers, _T-A-L-K-T-O-M-E._

Josh replies, _O-K._

Tyler is silent, his fingers still for a while after that and Josh supposes he was being sarcastic and didn't really want to talk to him. It’s hard to tell with morse.

Or maybe, his mind supplies helpfully, he meant talk to him after therapy.

Either way, he dwells on it until he hears tapping again. He makes sure it’s Tyler before listening intently.

_U-M-A-D._

Josh shakes his head as subtly as he can, _N-O._

Then he adds, just to clarify himself further, _B-A-D-D-A-Y-S._

Tyler looks at him then, their eyes meeting in an intense stare as if Tyler is trying to project his concern to him through it. It chills Josh’s blood, in a good way, to know that he cares about him.

_T-A-K-E-I-T-S-L-O-W._

Josh rolls his eyes and glares.

_T-R-Y-I-N-G._

Tyler smiles, crooked teeth showing fully as if he knows he’s lying and Josh’s breath catches in his throat. A flush threatens to creep up his neck in embarrassment, but he wills it away, putting his attention back on his blank paper.

_W-H-A-T-G-A-M-E._

It takes Josh a second to realize Tyler is talking about what board game they should play and almost sighs happily. As much as he hates routine, playing games with Tyler was riveting and made this place somewhat bearable.

 _D-U-N-N-O_ , Josh taps out because he really doesn't. Usually he just played whatever Tyler dropped in front of him.

 _C-O-N-N-E-C-T-F-O-U-R_ , Tyler decides and he has to tap it out twice because Josh didn't quite get it the first time due to someone having a coughing fit halfway through, but his responding smile is bright, a grin that feels almost foreign on his face.

_C-O-O-L._

Josh is still smiling when he looks at Tyler and he almost laughs out loud when Tyler mimes putting a gun to his head discreetly in his boredom. Josh can relate.

“Alright, I want everyone to hand in their lists,” Diane the therapist says and Josh’s smile drops as he looks at the untouched paper in front of him. “I want to see what you guys think and I'll give it back to you all with pleasant commentary on it.”

Everyone hands over their papers, Tyler included, but when Josh walks up with his otherwise blank one and goes to hightail it out of the room before Diane notices, he’s being stopped.

“Josh,” She says, sounding like a disapproving mother. Josh grits his teeth before turning around. “You didn't write anything.”

He shrugs, trying to portray _I didn't have anything to write_ with the gesture.

“Everyone has a quality that makes them a good person, Josh.” Diane argues, then her face lights up and Josh feels dread take over his body. “I want you to write me a list of all the things that make you a good person for next time I see you.”

Josh shakes his head miserably, gesturing helplessly at the paper. He could always use the board to say his thoughts, but he doesn't want to erase Tyler's message just yet.

“Nonsense,” She waves him off, having interpreted Josh correctly. “You can do it, bud. They don't have to be completely life changing details. Just write small things. Do you hold the door open for others? Have you ever paid for someone else’s coffee? Given a homeless person spare change? Helped an old lady cross the street? Write it down.”

Josh sighs and hangs his head, nodding curtly before exiting the room. How is he supposed to write this when he has literally no inspiration whatsoever?

This is a nightmare.

This entire place is a nightmare, but this, this is the icing on the cake. People singling him out to do a specific task. Jeez. Josh just wants to shake his head with a polite no, thank you at that.

When Josh trudges into the day room looking a little like someone has just died, he easily spots Tyler by the window. From what Josh can tell, Tyler is playing connect 4 against himself, bored and uninterested before Josh sits down next to him.

His face instantly lights up as he gestures to the game, “It’s a moot point if I play against myself. It’s no fun if I already know what my opponent is gonna do.”

Josh nods, agreeing.

“You not gonna talk to me yet? I’m still in the silent treatment phase?” Tyler asks as he empties out the tiny yellow and red circles for them to play. He gestures to the whiteboard absently and Josh’s face flushes scarlet.

He shows him that he hasn't erased the word he’d written yet.

“Did it help at all? I know you were upset.” Tyler gives him all the red pieces.

Josh takes a breath and finally erases the word, writing back his answer.

_It helped. I’m sorry I freaked out. You don't have to tell me anything, I know that._

Tyler shakes his head. “I was going to tell you, J. Here.”

Tyler takes the board and glances around them cautiously before writing.

_I stopped taking my meds. The nurses think I'm taking them, but I'm not._

Josh’s eyes widen and his jaw goes a little slack as he looks back at Tyler, slowly questioning him with his facial expression.

“No, listen, I’m fine,” Tyler insists, tapping his temple. “It’s all me. I know this now.”

Josh worries at his bottom lip.

_Are you sure that’s a good idea, Ty? I mean it's only been a few weeks…_

“Josh, I'm _fine_ ,” Tyler stresses. “Trust me. Just please, don't tell. You won't tell them, right?”

Josh shakes his head right away. As much as he hates this idea and how there's a lot of ways this can backfire on him, Tyler is still his friend. His _best_ friend.

His only friend.

“Cool. That’s cool. Thanks, Josh.” Tyler’s smile is brilliant, a dimple in his left cheek.

Sighing, Josh looks at the ground. Tyler is wearing floral vans and that alone reassures Josh more than it should. He quickly glances outside at the garden, his happy place blooming with flowers.

“Don't worry, okay? They gave me this notebook to write down my thoughts now and it really helps,” Tyler is saying next to him and he returns his attention to him.

With a smile and a nod towards Tyler, they start playing connect 4.

Tyler wins every game.

 

* * *

 

Josh knows that nurses are always patrolling the rooms even in the middle of the night, just to make sure everyone is what they consider okay.

He knows that there's always security around the corner in case someone has an episode.

He doesn't know what to think when he wakes up to screaming, _Tyler’s_ screaming and begging, his sleep-induced mind not catching up to the situation.

“He’s here! He’s right there, are you all blind?” Tyler shouts, lashing out as a bulked up man goes to grab him. “Stop! _Stop!_ ”

“Tyler, Tyler, it’s okay, you're okay.” The nurse soothes, keeping her distance and all Josh can do is stare.

Tyler is hallucinating. Josh knew that getting off his meds was a bad idea, he knew it, why didn't he try to convince Tyler otherwise? Why did he just agree, like it was okay for him to lie to the nurses? Tyler's head may be a barren wasteland for all he knows, a warzone just waiting to implode and now it has with this being the result.

“I’m not crazy, lady,” Tyler spits, his eyes locked at the entrance of the room, wide with fear. “He’s going to _kill me_.”

Security grabs him, earning a scream of terror from Tyler and it springs Josh into action, tossing his legs over the side of the bed and motioning towards Tyler with his eyes wide with concern.

“Don't worry, sweetheart, he’ll be just fine.” The nurse assures him as Tyler continues twisting and shouting that he’s going to die.

“He’s coming closer, oh god, _help_ me.” Tyler finally notices Josh and fights to move near him. “Josh, Josh, y-you, help me, please!”

The security guard starts dragging him out of the room and Tyler howls while Josh stays completely frozen in place, like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Josh! Fuck, _help me!_ I thought you were my _friend!_ ” Tyler shouts from outside of the room. “Josh! _Josh!_ ”

It takes a few minutes of breathing to calm himself down before Josh looks at the empty space where Tyler was just standing and back at the door where he was dragged out. His heart lurches in his chest at Tyler's words, now completely far gone that he can't hear his shouts anymore.

Josh doesn't know where they took him, but he feels terrible for not being able to help, the bile rising in his throat just for him to swallow it down. There’s nothing he could have done. This is their job; to keep people like them stable.

 _Keep the crazies in check_ , Josh thinks maliciously, angry at himself.

The nurse walks back in, posture rigid and on edge, but Josh doesn't mention it, he doesn't say anything.

“Try and get some rest, okay?” She says quietly and Josh nods, laying back down.

Josh doesn't fall asleep again that night, his thoughts too absorbed in Tyler and where they could have taken him.

 

* * *

 

When Josh sees the first speck of light peeking in through the doorway, he gets up and decides to take a shower, trying to rid himself of his panic of last night.

Everything would be fine, he keeps telling himself hoping that he’ll believe it sometime soon. If they take Tyler away and put him in a different facility, though, Josh doesn't know what he’ll do.

He's not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

He’s drying his hair when he notices a black notebook on the desk, opened up to a page full of writing. That’s the book they told Tyler to write his thoughts in, that much is painfully obvious. He also knows he shouldn't read what Tyler wrote, but his curiosity gets the best of him as he inches closer to it.

_2:36am_

_Who is blurryface and why does he want me dead? Who is he? Why is he in my head, talking, whispering, shouting? Can’t he torture someone else’s sleep? He’s everywhere I look. Fuck. FUCK._

_There's a question for my therapist. 'Do you want to talk about anything specific today, Tyler?' yeah, yeah, answer me this:_

_Who is blurryface and why does he want me dead? Who is blurryface and why does he want me dead? Who is blurryface and why does he want me dead? WHO IS BLURRYFACE AND WHY DOES HE WANT ME DEAD? WHO IS HE WHO IS HE WHO THE FUCK IS HE LEAVE ME ALONE_

_Please. ~~don't~~ leave me alone._

~~_Someone needs to help me, someone has to help me I'm pleading please_ ~~

_No._

_I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine._

_I am in control._

_This place wants me to be normal, I can be normal. I’m not crazy. I haven't lost my mind yet. Or ever. I won't ever lose it._

_I AM IN CONTROL DAMN IT._

_Fuck you, blurryface, or whatever the hell you are. You're just a stupid figment of my imagination. You’re nothing. Fake. You won't break me. You won't. I'll always get back up and catch my breath. I'll always keep fighting._

_Always._

_3:45am_

_Who is blurryface and why does he want me dead? I know why. I know. I know._

_He wants to take control._

_I won't let him._

_The only person taking over my body is ME._

_Don't let me be gone._

~~_Don't let me be_ ~~

Josh closes the notebook and promptly staggers into the bathroom, breathless and gasping, to throw up his uneasiness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually surprised so many people have read this. I didn't think it would get this much attention so wow, thank you!
> 
> Song(s) of the chapter:  
> Fake It - Bastille  
> Redbone - Childish Gambino

Josh doesn’t know what he expected.

He was sort of holding on to the hope that Tyler would be waiting for him in the day room, keeping their routine in check. The only problem is, he’s not there and Josh is a naive idiot for thinking he would be after what happened.

He’d hidden Tyler’s notebook so none of the nurses would read it and take him away to some kind of prison because they think he’s crazy or something. He knows that this is what Tyler would have wanted him to do, too. Tyler may be gone, but Josh nobly thinks he can still help him somehow.

It only really hits him as he sits down by the window by himself that Tyler is _gone_. He’s gone and Josh is alone again, like he was all those weeks ago and he feels sick to his stomach to know he doesn't find comfort in it anymore. In being alone with his own head to fill the silence. Having a friend who understood him and let him talk without actually talking was such a nice, _good_ feeling to experience for once in his life. Tyler had made him feel normal, like he wasn't as far gone as he is.

But now that feeling was hollow in his chest because they took Tyler. They took his only friend and left him alone for the thoughts to take over again, his distraction found in the way the brunet boy spoke of things and mesmerized him with his words vanishing in the blink of an eye.

Josh knows he’s crying as he takes out the crumpled up piece of paper from his pocket, reaching for a blue pen and quickly jotting down:

_Josh Dun_

_list of good qualities (??):_  
_1\. I tried being a good friend._

 

* * *

 

He’s still crying when he has to see Darlene and bless her, she doesn't even bat an eye at his tear stained cheeks.

“How are you, Josh?”

He shrugs and looks away, lifting up a sweatered palm to wipe at the snot beginning to leak out of his nose instead of reaching for a tissue on her desk.

He was disgusting and he couldn't even bring himself to care.

“Why are you crying?” Darlene asks and waits for Josh to write out his answer.

He hasn't spoken to her since he got the board and she doesn't mind the fact he writes his thoughts now. In fact, she encourages it as a normal way to communicate instead of shutting himself up completely. The gesture is appreciated, it really is, but right now Josh just stares at it in his lap with no answer for her.

“Is it because of what you witnessed yesterday?” She asks slowly. “Josh, it’s not your fault.”

Josh’s head snaps up automatically, the narrow of his eyes unmistakable. She shouldn't toss around those words when she wasn't even there to see it happen.

“Josh, it wasn't.” She taps her pen on the desk, pursing her lips almost in a regretful gesture. “We should have told you about the… consequences of rooming with him.”

She waits for him to answer, but he has nothing to say. He never has anything to say that she doesn't already know.

“He’s going to be okay, you know that, right?” He hears her say, but he doesn't understand why she’s avoiding saying his name. Is it a confidentiality credibility thing? He doesn’t know, but it’s irking him. “Whatever he might have said last night was in the spur of the moment. He’ll be okay.”

Josh grits his teeth and starts writing.

_His name is Tyler._

He stops himself from adding that there was nothing wrong with him.

“Yes, I know that, Josh.” Darlene chuckles lightly, but Josh doesn't find anything funny. None of this is _amusing_ in the slightest. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Josh leans back, a hum passing his lips.

_I couldn't help him._

“There's nothing you could have helped him with,” She tells him sincerely. “This is his own battle. It was his own choice to stop taking his medication. Not yours, okay?”

Josh stays still for a second, looking at her with an intense stare of his own before smiling slowly.

_I know. But I didn't even try._

“Josh, there's more to this, isn't there?”

He tilts his head, hating himself for being so fucking transparent. It was obvious that Tyler meant a lot to him, she just wants to hear him say it and it almost makes him scowl in annoyance.

_Of course there is. He’s my friend and I let him down. How can I ever forgive myself?_

“You think you're a bad friend for not helping.” Darlene muses. “Tell me something, Josh; does Tyler make you happy?”

He nods instantly, like that answer should be obvious. He doesn't even register that she finally said his name.

“Okay. Do you think that maybe you've become dependant on him?” She says softly, as if those words didn't steal the breath from his lungs, like a punch in the gut and made him feel like he couldn't breathe properly.

Had he become dependant on Tyler?

She sighs. “Hesitating isn't a good sign, Josh.”

And now he's shaking, his heart physically hurting with every beat while his throat catches on a sob and his vision blurs.

Everything didn't make sense anymore. He didn't think he was dependant on Tyler, how could he be? He didn't even talk to him! He never spoke of himself to him and it just didn't make sense.

The paralyzing fear of not being able to move forward and fix himself without Tyler by his side makes another sob burst from his throat.

He wasn't dependant. He wasn't. He didn't need Tyler to get better. He could do this by himself, like he always does.

He could find his own happiness, he didn't _need_ Tyler.

Tyler just helped him find it quicker, he decides. There was nothing wrong with that. They helped each other, that’s what friends were for.

 _He’s my best friend_ , Josh manages to scribble out with shaking hands. _I want to help him._

“Maybe,” Darlene starts, leaning her elbows on the desk. “You should start by helping yourself.”

 

* * *

 

Josh lays in bed that night, stunned. He hasn’t had a room to himself in so long that the familiar silence is more unsettling than he remembers it being and he’s scared of what he may do. Silence, after all, could drive a man to madness and Josh doesn't want that; he _does_ ultimately want to get better.

Fuck, does he _want_ to, but he doesn't know how. How do you fix yourself when you don't know what to fix? It’s not like he can just flip a switch in his head and _bam!_ His depression is magically gone.

He fucking wishes it were that simple and easy. It would save him so much trouble.

Darlene had mentioned something about him trying to work on his ‘martyr complex’ and the term itself made him uneasy. He doesn't want to put himself in the way of destruction, not necessarily, he just wants to help people.

Ah yes, he’s a hypocrite. At least he can admit it to himself without feeling like a piece of shit. Baby steps, right?

Sighing, he looks across the room where Tyler _should_ be laying. Josh misses him and his late night ramblings of conspiracies and the way the world is flawed.

Damn, he never thought he’d ever say that, considering half the time Josh just scoffs and rolls his eyes at Tyler’s musings (which only makes his rants more passionate because he starts trying to convince Josh otherwise).

They hadn't taken his things; they were all there, messily packed up in his suitcase and Josh takes that as a good sign that Tyler was still here and he was okay. It’s wishful thinking, because they could always come collect his things at a later time, but Josh still has a shred of hope in him that he’s grasping onto for dear life.

Without thinking, he pulls out the black notebook from between the mattress and finds himself staring at it. His eyes travel the length of the book and he swallows nervously because he knows he shouldn't read this, it’s Tyler’s personal thoughts, but something was compelling him and pushing him to do it.

He opens the book to the first page.

_1:35pm_

~~_Hi._ ~~

~~_Hello!_ ~~

_Well, shit, this just sounds stupid now that I'm writing in it._

_Okay. So. Hi, Tyler. (at this point if you aren't me and you're reading this, close the book, you asshole.)_

_Hi, Tyler._

_Fuck._

_Talking about myself in third person really makes me feel like a fucking schizo. God damn._

_Whoops. Shouldn’t use the Lord’s name in vain, should I?_

_I don't know why I'm writing, to be honest. They said it would help, but I just feel more and more crazy with this... situation I’ve found myself in. Whatever._

_Josh is in therapy and I'm bored, I guess._

_He listens to me when I talk, you know? And I know I have therapists to do that, but Josh is different. It’s like he gets it. He doesn't tell me things will be okay._

_He gets it._

_I don't know, man. I can't elaborate. Forget it._

_I used to believe in God. In a higher being, you know? I used to think God loves everyone and wants what’s best for every single person._

_But then I grew up. I started watching the news. I started living for myself without my parents putting things in my head. And you know what? It’s fucked up. Innocent people die everyday in places all around the US due to social injustice. Iraq, Syria, Turkey, I can go on and on. There’s so many wars and violent acts of injustice going on where innocent people are caught in the backlash, the crossfire, and for what? For what?_

_Even here, in Ohio, there are so many innocent people who get shit handed to them for nothing. Abusive parents, sexual assault, school shootings, being attacked in the streets for no reason. Man, even bullying counts and that’s a huge fucking problem, it always has been. People are bullied for looking a certain way, they’re bullied if they’re gay, lesbian, trans, you name it! What happened to acceptance and support in our society? No one can be themselves because of the fear of being hurt, or worse. Self-love is so hard to achieve when everyone wants to break you down into tiny unrecognizable pieces._

_So many kids take their lives due to these things every damn day. I’ve looked up the numbers, the statistics; it’s completely and utterly fucked up._

_All this and for fucking what?_

_What is God’s reasoning behind hurting innocent people if He supposedly loves everyone? What’s His reasoning in creating horrible people, diseases, people like me? I almost killed my mom because He put this demon in my head. For what?_

_I sometimes wonder if I still believe in Him. I mean, I still pray sometimes. Pray to get better. Pray that my family is okay. Pray to die. I guess that means I still have some sort of belief. Something._

_Maybe I just like the idea of entertaining my faith, finding signs in the simplest things, hm. Just to make myself feel better seeing as I grew up in the mindset that God loves everyone, God is our Lord and Saviour, etc, etc._

_Ah, but how does one entertain faith though, that’s the real question. How can someone make me believe?_

_It’s a simple answer, really. Not that hard to figure out._

_I'll spell it out for ya anyway:_

_Proof._

_10:52pm_

_Wow, I've had this notebook for a whole day and that's all I've managed to write. I'm going to have to get my shit together if I want this to work, huh?_

_I won't get all deep again, don't worry._

_I should have started by talking about my problems, right? An introduction or something. (this feels so odd, I still don't get how talking about my issues will make things better.)_

_This is dumb, but I'm Tyler Joseph and I'm a schizophrenic with a hint of depression._

_Great! Now that’s out of the way._

_Today wasn't so bad. It was actually pretty okay. I guess ‘blurryface’ wasn't really there thanks to my meds kicking in which is awesome. It’s like a dull, numbness in my head._

_I kinda miss him. Is that weird? Nah, not weird; bad, more like. I shouldn't miss the aspect of myself that makes me crazy._

_Oh! He (the voice inside my head) calls himself that. Blurryface. Dunno why, can't tell you, but it’s grown on me._

_Steve, my therapist, he says that it's okay for me to be like this. That I’m not ‘damaged’ or anything. What a load of fucking bullshit. I tried to kill someone and then myself because I'm a crazy son of a bitch and I'm not damaged, you say? Fuck you, man._

_What a privilege to be fucking normal, am I right?_

_The audacity of this dude. Unbelievable._

_I’m just being dramatic, don't mind me. I've got a pen in my hand and suddenly I'm better than everyone, l-o-freaking-l._

_I wonder… when I die and years from now someone finds this book, would they even care? I mean, they'll read this and learn all about me from what I write, but will they care? Will they lay awake at night thinking about how I died, how I managed to live, if I'm still out there? This entire thing will eventually cut off on the last page, right? They won't know if I'm alive or dead or somewhere in between. I’d like to think I'll die in a honourable way. Something that I'll be proud of. Definitely not old age, I don't think I'll last that long._

_Not to be morbid, but the thoughts of me dying are the only ones I find comfort in and they definitely are the best ones I have. They make my life seem poetic in a way. One day I'll be dead and I won't have to deal with this burden of a life anymore, you know? That thought alone makes me happy._

_But that’s just my depression talking._

_“‘Stay alive’ should be your motto,” they say. “It'll help if you chant it in your head over and over and create a meaning for it for yourself.”_

_I get that. Create something only you understand and only you get because that'll make you feel like you have some sort of purpose. It’s a smart strategy to give to patients in here, it is. Kudos to Stevie boy._

_But I've already done that. My tattoos, every single one, have a meaning only I know. It doesn't really help. It did for a time, but it fades with every passing day._

_Wow, looks like I lied, I did get deep. Sorry._

_Who knows, maybe one day the marks on my skin will mean something to me again._

_Anyway, see you tomorrow, I guess._

_Or write would be more accurate._

_It’s 11:00pm aka lights out for us._

_P.S. Josh is super cute when he sleeps. I’m glad he listens. So many people don't listen to the message I'm trying to get out and just pretend to hear what I'm saying. Not him, though. Not him._

Josh closes the book with wide eyes, the curiosity to find out what else Tyler has said disappearing completely.

For once in his life, Josh’s head is blank; radio silence.

The shock of reading about what Tyler thinks of him and overall just seeing _his_ name in the book, combined with all of Tyler’s thoughts must be fucking with his head.

He tucks the book between the bed again, making sure to hide it from view and closes his eyes.

 

* * *

 

With Tyler still gone the next day, Josh realizes that he’s been noticing things that go on around him more and more often. It’s weird, to say the least, because before Tyler all he used to do was fantasize about leaving and then _with_ Tyler he only payed attention to him.

Seeing what actually goes on around him is actually pretty scary.

He’s seen someone have a seizure, a meltdown, a _breakdown_ (Josh can relate to that one), he's seen people muttering under their breaths to themselves, a little like Tyler used to do when he was around. He sees people yelling for drugs, some people shaking uncontrollably as they try to eat.

Someone even tried to make a break for it, dodging a nurse and running out the door just to be brought back inside with tears running down their face.

It’s crazy how he hadn't realized all of this was going on around him until now. He wouldn't go as far to say that it was entertaining to watch it all go down, but he’s intrigued. Everyone in here had something wrong with them, not just him.

Not just him. Not just Tyler.

Everyone.

It’s comforting. Maybe he’s fucked up for finding comfort in the fact everyone here was miserable, but he doesn't care. He feels like he can see the light at the end of the tunnel, like he can actually, finally see himself being happy and getting better day by day.

In all honestly, he has been doing better. It’s a slow process, sure, but he’s trying with everything in him to help himself and stop himself from drowning in his self doubt these days.

Some days he feels like he can't breathe, like he’s been underwater too long and there was no way for him to get air back into his burning lungs and he was definitely going to die here. Other days he feels on top of the world, like anything is possible if he just _tries_.

It’s only when he goes to do one more sweep of the room before opting to focus on his garden, like he usually does to build up his hope, that his heart almost stops in surprise.

Tyler is staring right at him from across the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired so here is another update. Hope you all had/have a great day. :)
> 
> song(s) of the chapter:  
> Misery - The Maine  
> If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix  
> Sign Of The Times - Harry Styles (this song is so good, like. right on, dude.)

Tyler ignores him.

He doesn't sit with him, he doesn't even glance his way after that initial moment where they locked eyes and acknowledged each other.

Josh deserves this for not helping him. Tyler didn't want to be his friend anymore and Josh understands exactly where he’s coming from. He wouldn't want to be associated with himself after that whole debacle either.

Therapy consists of everyone sharing what they like about their lives, but the therapist skips over Josh because he can see how antsy the entire topic made him. When he asks Tyler to share, he just looks at him with dead eyes and the therapist nods, moving on without causing a fuss.

He can't eat due to his nerves and the group of outcasts and misfits decide to watch _The Matrix_ so, naturally, Josh doesn't stay to watch. No offence to Keanu, but he’s seen the movie so many times he might lose his mind if he watches it again.

For the record, he would have chosen the blue pill. He’d rather live in ignorance and be happy with his life than see the real side of it. He’s basically living the red pill life right now, being in this place for troubled people, because that’s what he is: troubled. There's no hiding it, no covering it up to pretend otherwise. He’s troubled.

He heads straight to his room, wondering if he and Tyler still shared a room or if they gave Tyler a room to himself. Darlene had mentioned that there is consequences to rooming with him after all.

When he steps through his opened door, he stops dead in his tracks. Tyler is already there, back facing him with his hand resting on the desk as if balancing himself so he doesn't fall.

His heart picks up it’s pace and his palms start filling with sweat, the shaking tremors practically pulsing through him as he swallows nervously. He shouldn't even be nervous; this was _his_ room just as much as it is Tyler’s. If he didn't want to be friends anymore, fine, but he wasn't going to be scared of him. They would just go back to not talking to each other.

If there's anything he is, it’s definitely not scared of Tyler.

He moves further into the room, towards his bed and Tyler shifts his weight onto his other leg. Josh looks over at him one last time, trying to will himself to calm down a bit, because it's _just_ Tyler. He drops the board on his bed and clasps his hands together to soothe himself.

The silence was deafening. Josh wishes he could just talk and babble away just to fill it and make things feel _normal_.

Neither of them moves until Tyler whispers, barely audible from where Josh is standing. “They sedated me, you know.”

Josh watches Tyler roll his shoulders, his head falling back slightly with the motion.

“‘Cause I was a threat.” Tyler explains lowly. “I could have hurt someone, they said. Then they shoved my meds into my mouth until I was all doped up.”

Josh licks his lips as Tyler turns around, the dark circles under his eyes so prominent in the dull light of their room. Tyler’s wearing all black, no flowers on him in sight. Josh’s heart aches.

“They locked me in this secluded room, like I was crazy. I’m not crazy. I-” Tyler pauses, looking towards the door. “I am crazy.”

Tyler finally looks at him, a rueful smile tugging at his lips.

“As if you care, right?”

Josh steps forward with a glare on his face as he nods to show that he _does_ care. So damn much.

Tyler just hums, waving him off. “You don't care, J. It’s okay. Why would you? We’re stuck here together, but that’s about it.”

Josh’s heart breaks at his words and he shakes his head, eyes filling with tears. He clenches his jaw defiantly and continues stepping closer to him.

“I don't even know what you really sound like,” Tyler sighs, watching him take another step towards him. “It’s not your fault. It just kind of sucks. I wish you would speak to me. I don't know anything about you.”

Josh opens his mouth as if to say something, but nothing comes out. He wants to tell him that he cares and that he’s his best friend and that his favourite colour is red. He wants to tell him that his favourite movie is _Fight Club_ and that he loves cats more than dogs and that he _cares about him_. He wants to tell him why he loves flowers, that he always finds hope in them and whenever he sees them on Tyler it makes him feel safe.

He wants to, but it doesn't come out.

They're standing in front of each other, Josh’s eyes burning with all the things he wishes he would just _say_ , but can't and Tyler’s softening thoroughly as he tries to understand.

Tyler’s face breaks, crumbling like an avalanche as he hunches in on himself.

“Everything hurts so much, Josh.” He cries and Josh does the first thing that comes to mind. He wraps his arms around his shoulders, pulling him close until Tyler’s face is pressed against his neck.

Tyler’s sobs are much quieter than Josh’s, the fact that it’s muffled against his neck helping that fact significantly so. Josh shushes him, nuzzling his cheek against the crown of Tyler’s head in his own attempt of comforting him without words.

Josh lets Tyler cling to his shirt, balling it up in his fists so he wouldn't pull away. Josh wouldn't ever, not when Tyler needs him. It’s like they were complete opposites in this respect; Josh can't stand contact when he has his breakdowns, whereas Tyler craves it, his touch starved mind making his hand hold on with everything in him.

“It h-hurts so much,” Tyler sobs quietly. “I feel l-like I'm being suffocated.”

Josh nods, trying not to cry himself. He had to be strong for him.

“I can’t keep living with this, this _fucking_ migraine.” Tyler buries his head further into Josh’s collarbone, as though he can lose himself in him. “It hurts. It hurts, Josh. He’s always there, with or without meds.”

A nurse comes in to see if everything's alright and Josh shakes his head as subtly as he can. She masks her shock pretty well before she assesses the situation to make sure it wasn't a violent outburst and nods, walking back out while Josh lets out a soft breath of relief.

Tyler calms down, his shaking and sobs ceasing to just the occasional sniffle. He pulls away and his cheeks are red, from the tears or embarrassment, Josh can't be too sure.

“Sorry.” Tyler wipes under his eyes quickly. “I didn't mean to, uh, breakdown like that.”

Josh shrugs to say it happens to the best of them, then points to himself. The gesture is a clear _take me for example, buddy._

Tyler smiles before it drops again.

“I told them I wanted to kill myself while I was-” Tyler cuts himself off, chewing the inside of his cheek for a second. “They said committing suicide wasn't going to help.”

He walks backwards until the backs of his knees hit his bed and he drops down on it. Josh doesn't make a move to sit next to him, just stays standing where he is, watching Tyler bring a hand to his hair. Josh has learned all about Tyler's mannerisms by now and he usually twirls his hair when he’s nervous and deep in thought.

“I don't think they should say ‘committing suicide’ because that… that makes it sound like a crime,” Tyler’s eyes are on the ground, his hand tugging at his hair. “It’s not a crime. It’s… more of an escape. An option to opt out of trying anymore. It... this life sometimes gets too much for me to handle. I don't need strangers telling me that my thoughts are wrong. They should say ‘dying by suicide isn't the answer.’”

Tyler tugs on his hair hard, wincing slightly and Josh moves forward, grabbing his hand in his own and squeezing encouragingly. Tyler looks at him, his eyes wide and he swallows, Adam's apple bobbing.

Tyler laces their fingers together and Josh stops himself from flinching away, his palms beginning to sweat again. He sits down next to him, ignoring his rising panic while he does so.

“I wish you would speak.” Tyler’s voice breaks and Josh just tilts his head sadly, a watery smile on his face. _Me too_.

They stay like that for a while, multiple nurses coming in to check up on them only to find them in the same position, Tyler silently crying while gripping onto Josh’s hand, their fingers going numb with the pressure and Josh watching Tyler to make sure he’s real.

One final nurse comes in to let them know that it's 11 and that they should start trying to head to bed and Josh nods for the both of them. Tyler is lost in his own head.

When Josh gets up to move to his own bed, Tyler snaps out of it, his hand tugging him back desperately and the look on his face matched it.

“Will you stay with me until…” Tyler lets the question float between them.

Josh feels himself nod and Tyler visibly relaxes, pushing his covers aside and getting in. He drops Josh’s hand to lift the sheets up for him to get in the tiny bed with him, their regular clothes still on.

They don't have the energy to change into fucking pj’s.

Josh’s heart hammers against his chest as their bodies brush the other, chanting to himself that this is okay, it's okay, it's okay. It’s okay and Tyler reaches for Josh’s arm, pulling it forward so that it wraps around his narrow waist and he links their fingers together again.

“Thank you,” Tyler whispers into the air, his voice soft. “You're my best friend. I didn't mean what I said the other night.”

Josh squeezes his hand in his own and swallows away his discomfort. Tyler is his best friend. So what if they cuddled a little bit?

He tries to regulate his breathing for a while, but once he hears Tyler’s soft snores, the familiarity of them brings a sudden calmness over him and he closes his eyes, letting sleep consume him.

In the morning, when he wakes up before Tyler, he untangles his limbs from his and makes his way to the bathroom to shower. He passes by the desk Tyler was standing at yesterday, only to find a familiar crumpled up paper resting on it from when he’d tossed it on there without thinking. Josh’s throat closes up at the modification.

_Josh Dun_

_list of good qualities (??):  
1\. I ~~tried being~~  am a good friend._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendly reminder that Josh is an aromantic asexual in this story!! 
> 
> songs of the chapter:  
> Rock + Roll - Eden  
> We Move Like The Ocean - Bad Suns

The first thing Josh does when he sees his sister, Ashley, is honest to God giggle with happiness before hugging her tightly.

The second thing he does is glance behind her, noticing the lack of two annoying, but dearly missed siblings immediately. He raises an eyebrow at her and she smiles sheepishly right back.

“Am I not enough for you, Josh?” She pokes him in the cheek and he ducks his head bashfully. “Jordan said he had to do something super important with Aaron and Abigail had a group project to work on. They both told me to send you their love.”

They both roll their eyes before sitting down on the worn out couch. There are other patients around them, having their own visits with whoever while the nurses watched over them cautiously.

“How are things here, huh?” She asks, grabbing his hand in her own. Her eyes were narrowed with concern, like Josh better not even _think_ about lying to her.

Her death glare is duly noted.

Josh pulls his hand away and grabs the board that he had dropped on the couch quickly before hugging his sister. She watches him curiously, her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion and wonder as he writes.

 _I’m doing good, Ash. I swear_.

After she reads it, he even goes into dramatics and crosses his heart. She scoffs and pushes his shoulder playfully.

“Stop it.” She chastises before gesturing to the board. “So, you’re not speaking? Ever again?”

Josh bites his lip, looking away for a second as he thinks.

 _I don't know_.

He sees her face fall and he opens his mouth to reassure her, but all that comes out is a panicked breath. He goes back to writing.

 _I don’t think I'll never talk again!! Please, don't be sad. I just don't want to talk right now_.

“I'm sorry, Josh.” She says softly, but her face looks miserable and it was all Josh's fault. “It’s just, the thought of you never making fun of me again or asking Jordan to go _broling_ and making bro puns just to watch him roll his eyes or even telling Abigail she's a good kid ever again--” She shakes her head sadly, not being able to continue.

_I can still do that, Ashley._

“It’s not the same, Josh.” She replies sharply and Josh recoils, offended. “Sorry.”

He clenches his jaw and narrows his eyes in the _I’m-your-big-brother-treat-me-with-respect-or-so-help-me-I'll-end-you_ way. It’s a signature look and once she sees it, she pouts and leans back into the couch, her arms crossing over her chest.

 _You’re making this a bigger deal than it is. My vocal chords still work, nerd. I'm just being silent for now_.

“Okay.” She mumbles and Josh circles the words _for now_ to emphasize that point. “Okay! Gosh, you're still freaking annoying.”

_Just like you, little sister._

“I miss you,” She sighs and Josh tilts his head. “But I'm glad you’re doing better.”

Josh watches her closely.

_Have you been writing?_

She smiles, practically beaming at him. “Of course! You know I'm going to get that bachelor's degree in English whether it kills me or not.”

 _I'm so proud of you_.

And he is; his chest fills up with pride as his younger sister tells him this. He knows she’s switched majors a few times before she finally settled on English, something that made her truly happy. She always shows him her poems, her works in progress and though they’re dark, he resonates with them so much.

He just hopes that she struggles with her demons much better than him. At least she has an outlet with writing.

He had his blade and his skin.

“Thank you, Josh.” She whispers and she sounds so overwhelmed with relief that he can't help, but lean forward and press a quick kiss to her forehead.

 _You’re an incredible writer, k? Anyone who says otherwise is wrong_.

“Tell that to my professors.” She chuckles, her face flushing with the compliment and making Josh roll his eyes, feigning exasperation.

_What else is new? What have I missed?_

“Jordan adopted a dog,” She hums thoughtfully. “He’s adorable, really. His name is William Blake.”

_Like the poet?_

“Exactly!” Ashley laughs now, shaking her head. “He likes to joke that he likes poetry and long walks on the beach any chance he can get.”

Josh chuckles and Ashley pulls out her phone, showing him a picture of the small grey and black pup.

 _Man, I can't believe I've missed this. He’s adorable_.

“We needed someone else to annoy us while you’re gone.” She points out and Josh flicks her shoulder. “Just kidding. We miss you. I swear mom pretends you're still around.”

Now that’s a funny fact to share with him. Josh eyes her skeptically.

_How?_

Ashley shrugs.

Josh glares.

She falters, breaking under his gaze. “She just talks to herself. It's nothing.”

 _If she wants to talk to me she can just come see me_.

“She’s scared for you, I think,” She responds quietly. “Like you're too far gone or something. Maybe she’s ashamed for ignoring the signs.”

 _Good_.

They stay silent for a few minutes and Josh knows visitation time is almost over. It makes his chest weigh down on his heart, because he does want to go home. So badly.

 _I made a friend_.

“What?” Ashley’s eyes widen in pure surprise as she smiles. “Really?”

 _Yeah. His name is Tyler. He’s awesome_.

“Oh man, that is such good news.” Ashley gushes, her sincerity radiating off of her. “I'm so happy you have someone and you aren't alone.”

_Me too, Ash._

The nurse announces that it's 5 minutes until visitors have to leave and Ashley’s eyes light up. She reaches into her bag and yet again, Josh finds himself raising his eyebrow at his sister's shenanigans.

“Don’t give me that look, J.” She scolds and holds out a rectangular box for him to take. A smile spreads on his face. “You’re in major need of a dye job, my friend.”

The pink hair dye is placed in his hands before they’re both getting up and hugging one another. His hair had faded to a colour he couldn't even tell you the name of, so he appreciated this more than she knew.

“We miss you,” She repeats into his ear, holding onto him tight. “I hope you feel safe here with your friend and that you feel loved. You’re loved, okay? I love you.”

Josh feels his eyes burn as he pulls away, nodding. He grabs his board.

 _I love you too, ashleyapplepie_.

“See you soon, okay?” She promises and pecks his cheek quickly before she's ushered out and away from him.

Josh holds his board and the dye in his hands, standing by himself and wishing he could’ve walked out that door with her. There’s nothing he wants more, actually.

Instead he sighs, walking over to a nurse and handing over the dye to her. He points to his hair and she nods, telling him they can fix it tomorrow during free time.

He finds himself grinning as he walks back to the day room.

 

* * *

 

Tyler helps Josh write out his list.

Okay, well, not exactly at first.

What happened was that he saw Josh fussing over it while a nurse helped him dye his hair and told him he can help him finish it once they finish with his hair. Josh had practically leaped out of his chair and hugged Tyler in his excitement, because _yes, help_ , but thought better of it.

He didn't want to get hair dye on Tyler and get him dirty.

Add in a bunch of jokes about Josh’s dye covered hair and a much brighter head of pink hair later and you've got two boys sitting in the day room thinking critically over what Josh can write down.

Tyler literally writes it out for him because Josh keeps messing up and writing _I tried_ instead of _I am_. Josh can practically see the daggers in his eyes every time Josh puts himself down. He can't help it, one of his coping mechanisms with all this is putting himself down so that he doesn't get too disappointed with himself when he reaches the end result.

Maybe it’s not exactly the healthiest way to cope, but it works for him.

So far they've got:

 _1\. I ~~tried being~~ am a good friend._  
2\. I ~~tried~~ am a good brother.  
3\. I ~~try to~~ treat everyone with respect.  
4\. I am honest with myself and others.  
5\. I ~~try making~~ do make people laugh.

“This is more of a good things about you list.” Tyler doodles a stick figure waving and another giving a thumbs up on the corner of the page absently and Josh shrugs.

Good things about me, things that make me a good person. Same thing.

 _6\. I always give street performers money.  
7\. I am always nice to retail workers_.

Tyler nods enthusiastically, tapping his finger on that point. “Good one. People can be such _assholes_ to retail workers, like, _ugh_.”

Josh points to the stick figure giving the thumbs up that Tyler drew to show his agreement. Tyler covers his mouth with the palm of his hand to stop himself from laughing outright.

_8\. I encourage others when they need it.  
9\. I drum so I don't take out my anger on others!!_

Tyler giggles and shakes his head a little, knowing that Josh is more frustrated with this assignment than he is. Only Tyler isn't really frustrated, he’s more _amused_ than anything with every little frustrated breath Josh lets out at not knowing what to write.

“Your last point should be a pun, like--” Tyler pauses, tapping the pen to his chin before grinning. “Like, ‘I always think before I speak.’”

Josh rolls his eyes, the small smile forming on his face giving away that he’s not actually annoyed.

 _10\. I always think before I speak_.

They finish it right on time for group therapy and Tyler is still giggling to himself as they casually stroll into the room. They knew that Diane was going to be the therapist of the day; Josh had asked to make sure not to disappoint her by not having the list done.

The look of genuine shock she gives him when he hands her the borderline ruined paper is enough to fill his chest with pride and make him feel good about himself.

That doesn't happen often these days. He welcomes it with open arms.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Josh?” Tyler asks cautiously before they have to take their meds and go to bed. He takes a step closer to him when Josh tilts his head in question. “Do you know where my notebook is?”

Josh’s heart practically stops beating for a complete second, he’s sure. He had forgotten all about the hidden book and now that Tyler mentioned it, it brought back all the memories of what Tyler had written in it.

He hadn't read more than what he had, his head (and stomach) completely disagreeing with his actions. At the time though, he thought it was the right thing to do and he supposes it must show on his face because Tyler’s face drops into an emotionless mask.

“Did you read it?”

Josh's lack of head movement is enough of an answer for Tyler.

“Are you…” Tyler curses under his breath, crossing his arms with a glare aimed at him. “How much did you read?”

Josh holds up 3 fingers and gives him his best apologetic look. It included the puppy eyes that worked on everyone. Tyler’s glare doesn’t falter.

“3 pages?”

Josh nods and steps closer. Tyler takes a step back. The hurt flashes over his face before Josh shakes it away, walking over to his bed and taking the notebook from between his mattress. Tyler was mad at him for invading his privacy and rightfully so; he wouldn't have wanted anyone to read his journal either.

He hands the notebook back to Tyler and turns on his heel to leave the room and give Tyler space. He feels like he’s on the verge of a panic attack, his chest closing in on him and his head denying him the reassurance he actually needs.

Before he can start hyperventilating and work through the attack by doing the breathing exercises Darlene had shown him, Tyler grabs his arm to turn him back around and face him.

“I don't think it’s okay that you read through it,” Tyler starts and drops his hand. “But I don't blame you. I probably would have done the same thing.”

Josh shakes his head angrily, because that doesn't make a difference. What Josh did was wrong. Tyler hadn't been in his position and he hadn't read Josh’s thoughts, invading the dark parts like he was suddenly allowed to just because he was missing.

“I just feel really exposed right now, man. Welcome to my twisted mind.” Tyler tries to laugh it off, but the vulnerability can be heard in his voice.

So, Josh does the one thing he thinks will make things better.

He walks over to his bed, grabbing the board and marker and turning to face Tyler, his own face showing how unprepared and nervous he is.

 _I’m in here for severe anxiety and depression. I’ve tried to kill myself more times than I care to admit_.

Tyler groans and throws his hands out in frustration. “Josh, you don't have to tell me.”

Josh makes a noise of protest in the back of his throat and Tyler snaps his mouth shut, his arms falling limply by his side.

 _I'm 99% sure that if I leave this place, I'll find a way to really end my life and I don't know how to deal with that urge yet_.

Tyler nods and doesn't interrupt him again.

 _My brother and sisters mean the world to me and I can't imagine putting them through that. So, I'm here_.

“You’re so… selfless.” Tyler whispers, almost in awe and Josh has to look away to blink back his tears before shrugging his shoulders.

 _They don't deserve it. I'm going to fix myself for them_.

“Oh, Josh,” Tyler looks so sad, watching him with a look of pure heartbreak on his face. “There’s nothing to fix. You’re _you_.”

 _I can say the same to you_.

“No, buddy, you and I are on different spectrums,” Tyler sighs, his eyes glazing over. “You stand a chance out there.”

Josh lifts his hand up to Tyler’s cheek without thinking, his palm gently caressing it while his thumb strokes along his cheekbone shakily. He doesn't know what he’s doing, but Tyler’s mouth parts in surprise, his eyes widening before slipping shut and stepping closer to him.

The step seems to snap Josh into action, his body stepping away so that the contact remains minimal. He moves his hand down, his fingers ghosting along Tyler’s face, jaw, neck, before it's back at his side, the message clear.

 _So do you_.

“I’m glad one of us believes that.” Tyler says as he sidesteps around him and leaves the room without another word.

Josh just watches him go, his eyes glued onto the black notebook that was in Tyler’s hand.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite this being written so quickly and not being edited, I think it's one of my fave chapters so far. 
> 
> Song of the chapter:
> 
> Taxi - The Maine
> 
> I listened to this song on repeat. Resonated with my soul, y'all. Great song, great band. Give them a listen if ya want; you won't regret it.
> 
> Enjoy!

The next few days kind of pass in a blur for Josh.

He zones out most days and Tyler is talking to him less than usual. He still sits with him and chats his ear off, but Josh can see the tense set of his shoulders and the way he avoids looking him in the eyes.

It hurts, but he’s trying not to let it get to him.

Other patients comment on his hair, some being snarky remarks and insults, but most of them being compliments. A lot of people seem to appreciate how bold and daring he is, though he doesn't see himself as either of those at all.

Their opinions shouldn't matter as long as he’s happy with it anyway. A tiny voice constantly reminds him of this, like the inner therapist inside of his mind comes to life or something.

See, he is getting better.

Confidence is important.

Not like he’s any more confident than he was before, but he’s working on it.

He’s working on a lot of things and when he sits in the chair across from Darlene, he’s not sure how to gauge the look she gives him. It’s skeptical, like she has to say something, but she’s waiting for a better moment.

His immediate reaction is to think of all the things he’s done since the last time he saw her. Had he disappointed her? He doesn't remember isolating himself at all this week, never mind the fact he’s been feeling slightly shitty over the whole Tyler issue.

“Hello Josh, how are you?” Darlene cuts through his thoughts and he shrugs before nodding his head towards her. “Do you have anything _you_ want to talk about today?”

Oh, Josh has no idea. Usually she takes control of the conversation and asks him things based on the notes nurses give her of him.

He shrugs and gives her a confused look.

“How have your panic attacks been?” Darlene asks instead, looking down at her papers. “Have you been doing the breathing techniques and exercises we talked about?”

Josh nods.

“Do they help?”

Thinking back to his last panic attack, he nods again before writing.

_Yeah, they helped. Specifically the one about focusing on the sounds and things around me to ground myself._

“That’s great, Josh.” She writes something down. “I’m glad you're putting them to good use. Some people completely blank out when they panic and all logical thoughts get lost in their head.”

Josh stares at her with pursed lips, not sure how to accept the compliment.

“And what about the--” She pauses, locking her eyes with his and tapping her temple. “The darkness inside your head? That’s how you described it if my memory isn't failing me.”

The joke is light, but Josh shifts uncomfortably in his seat, hunching over as he writes.

_Still there._

“It will always be there, Josh,” Darlene reminds him. “It will come and go, you just have to be prepared to deal with it. Things _do_ get better and easier with time.”

 _I know. I believe you,_ Josh writes out and shows her.

“That being said,” She adds, smile dropping a little. “I want to talk to you about Tyler.”

Josh’s eyes widen, his heart sinking to his stomach at the sudden, drastic change of topic.

“Well, not _of_ Tyler, sorry, wrong choice of words on my part,” She apologizes quickly and Josh tilts his head. “I mean of your rooming arrangement with him.”

_What about it?_

“I want you to keep an open mind, alright? I know that Tyler is your… best friend, but this - and I say this because I care about you - this isn't good for you. For your progress.” She tells him and he carefully schools his expression.

He always did have an amazing poker face.

_How so?_

It’s the first time he hears anything like this. Was she assuming that Tyler was dragging him down? He thought they already established that Tyler _helped_ , not the opposite.

“Okay, take it this way. You’re getting better, Josh. You’re on your way to being able to go _home_ ,” She says, her eyes lighting up happily, like she's proud of him. Josh’s breath catches, the pounding of his heart sounding in his ears. “Tyler? He… I don't know _when_ he’ll leave.”

Josh doesn't say anything, he doesn't even make a move to write. His fingers are frozen, clenched so tightly his knuckles are white.

“And that's not necessarily a bad thing for him. In fact, it’s good for him to be here, but that’s not the point of this.” She continues and Josh finally moves.

 _What, you want me to stop being friends with him? I don't think so_.

A part of him wants to scream, because this was ridiculous. Wasn't she the one pushing him to make friends in the first place? Now that he has one, she's trying to take it away.

No.

No, no, no and no.

“No, that’s not… that’s not what I meant.” She sighs and he raises an eyebrow. “Maybe you should consider changing rooms. So you can adjust to not seeing him as often from now.”

 _I don't understand_.

Darlene purses her lips. “Josh, you’re on your way to leaving. By next month you should be okay to go home. I know you and Tyler are close, but I don't know when you'll be able to see him once you aren't in this facility and I want you to get used to not seeing him all the time. That’s what I'm saying.”

And there it is, isn't it? Josh can go home. All the things he’d been working for, everything he tried so hard to achieve was right there being held in front of him, like a fucking gold medal or something. A prize with his name in big, bold letters on it.

So why did he feel so… empty? Shouldn't he be happy, proud, excited? He made it, why isn't he celebrating the fact?

The fact is he still wants to die and he knows that’s why he doesn't feel okay leaving. Shouldn't he be fixed? He’s definitely not fixed, he still feels the same as he did when he got here. Nothing about him feels different and that’s not a good sign. He hasn't been here long enough to be okay, in fact, he’s pretty sure he still has more bad days than good days. If they let him leave now, he’ll… he doesn't know what he’ll do, but it won't be good.

 _No. No. There has to be a mistake_.

“Josh, this is a good thing. Don't you want to go home, sleep in your own bed?”

 _Not under these circumstances_ , he wants to shout, the look of absolute horror on his face enough to give it away.

He doesn't want to go home when he still wants to fucking kill himself. He wants those thoughts completely out of his head before he even entertains the idea of going home. What if he goes home and it gets too much and one of his siblings finds him dead?

Oh, God, he can't go home yet.

“Okay, we don't have to talk about you leaving right now,” She assures him hastily, noticing the way his breathing was quickening. “But we need to talk about the rooming arrangement. Do you want to change rooms?”

 _NO_.

Josh writes it in all capitals across the board, hoping it has the same effect as if he’d shouted it.

“I really think it would benefit you in the long run, Joshua.” Darlene tries again, tapping her pen on the desk, the sound ringing in Josh’s ears.

He underlines the word _NO_ over and over until she sighs and dismisses him from their session.

Walking back to his room, he feels himself wobbling, his limbs weak and shaking. It’s as though he was drunk, stumbling around unknowingly and all he can do is cry silently as he slumps against the wall, sliding down it. He pulls his knees to his chest and buries his head in his arms, letting the tears flow freely, not caring who sees him.

A figure sits down on the wall opposite of him and his head snaps up automatically, his head whispering _TylerTylerTyler_ , oh so softly that when he doesn't see him, but a girl with bleached hair across from him, his frown just deepens.

“Don’t mind me,” She tells him, mimicking his position. “Let’s just have a good old crying session, yeah? It’s good for the soul.”

Josh stares at her for a second before he’s back to shoving his face into his arms and crying to his heart's content.

 

* * *

 

Josh skips dinner, not feeling up to eating or moving from his bed once he’s in it.

Tyler comes in with a plate of food, placing it down on the desk and walks straight to Josh’s bed, eyes narrowed.

“Come on, get up and eat.” Tyler says and Josh glares at his outstretched hand.

Josh shakes his head and snuggles deeper into his tear stained blankets, the wet circle on his pillow making him cringe. Shouldn't he be out of tears by now? He’s so tired of feeling like this. How can this place think he’s okay to go home?

The covers are being ripped away from his body and he hisses at the cold air hitting his skin, curling into a ball in an attempt to stay warm. Tyler wasn't having it, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him upright.

“Josh. Please, eat something.” Tyler whispers, bending slightly so they were eye to eye. Josh looks away, his lips curling in disdain.

Might as well make someone happy today.

He gets up, pushing Tyler away lightly as he sits down on the chair at the desk, eyeing the pizza warily. Was it Friday? They only ever got food like this on Friday’s, he’d learned.

“What’s got you so down, huh?” Tyler asks when he takes a bite of the pizza. “You were okay this morning, I think. Did something happen?”

Josh shrugs and continues eating.

“C’mon, J, talk to me.”

Josh slams his hand down on the desk, the phrasing of what Tyler just said getting on his last nerve. He’s not going to talk. He won't talk. He doesn't _want_ to talk.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler mumbles, turning to walk away until something snaps in him and he’s turning back around. “Actually, no, I’m not.”

Josh clenches his fists together, the pizza long forgotten now. The two boys glare at each other, the tension rising with every passing beat.

“I tell you everything, Josh. All of my thoughts are yours,” Tyler says, a malicious tone to his voice, like he regrets talking to him at all. “You’ve fucking read through my journal and what do I get from you? Nothing. Silence. I know _nothing_ about you other than why you're in here, which, FYI, you only told me out of _pity_.”

Josh pauses, his eyes softening from their glare. Now that he thinks about it, maybe Tyler is right.

“So, yeah, thanks for that, asshole.” Tyler hisses, crossing his arms. “I get enough pity from everyone here, I don't need it from _you_. You’re my best friend, start fucking acting like it.”

They remain motionless until Josh makes a vague gesture with his hands, pointing to his mouth with a shrug, a _what do you want me to do about it?_ reply that seems to spike up Tyler’s annoyance even more.

“God, fuck you, dude.” Tyler turns to the side, running a hand through his fluffy hair and glaring back at him. “You don't have to _speak_ to me, okay? Write it out. I don't care. Just… _talk_ to me. Talk to me, please. Please.”

All the fight drains out of Tyler as he begs, the broken sound making Josh want to get up and hug him and sing fucking songs about who he is and what he likes to him.

Instead, Josh grabs his board from the top of his bed and Tyler physically relaxes, the tension draining from his shoulders as they slump down. Josh figures that this fight was going to happen eventually, seeing as Josh was in major need of a reality check after reading Tyler’s journal.

“Let’s just pretend we’re two bros having a sleepover for the first time, okay? Let’s be normal for however long we have.” Tyler suggests, a pleading, desperate sound falling into the air and Josh nods, pointing to the ground.

Together, they sit criss-cross applesauce opposite each other and smile softly. It’s the first step to rebuilding their friendship back up. Josh wants to redeem himself and get back all the trust he lost.

“We can just ignore the nurses when they come in, like they’re our annoying moms or something,” Tyler leans back on his hands, eyes shining in delight.

 _Much normal, such wow_ , Josh writes and Tyler throws his head back in a laugh.

Josh thinks he’s beautiful when he smiles. He doesn't always get to see the genuinely happy side of Tyler, but when he does, he doesn't take it for granted. He knows how hard it is to even force out a smile and pretend to be okay, so seeing the actual happiness on Tyler’s face is important to him.

“Can we be total teenagers and play 20 questions? 21 questions?” Tyler looks off to the side, thinking. “I don't know the name, but the questions game. To get to know each other better.”

Josh giggles and nods, pointing to Tyler to suggest he starts the game. Tyler leans back up, tapping his finger to his chin thoughtfully.

“Favourite colour?”

Josh bursts out laughing and writes, _Of course you choose the stereotypical question first!_

“It’s not like I can get right into the hard questions, what kinda weirdo does that?” Tyler laughs with him now too, Josh’s giggles too infectious not to.

_Red, you?_

Tyler nods sagely. “Probably yellow. Or pink.”

He looks at Josh’s hair and Josh giggles again, a blush creeping onto his pale cheeks.

_Favourite fast food place?_

“Dude, Taco Bell. No contest.” Tyler says seriously and Josh nods enthusiastically.

_Same!! s’dang good._

“It’s like you were made for me,” Tyler says in a high pitched, dreamy voice. He clasps his hands together and bats his eyes flirtatiously at Josh to which he rolls his at. Tyler pouts childishly. “What would the title of your sex tape be?”

Josh throws his head back as he laughs, imitating Tyler from earlier, the answer coming to him as fast as lightning.

_Probably “It’s Never Going To Happen”_

“No way!” Tyler exclaims while laughing. “Asexual then, right?”

Josh nods.

“Right on!” Tyler reaches for a high five and Josh chuckles when their palms hit the other.

This is the first time that he doesn't feel ashamed with the way he feels towards sex. Everyone else had called him a freak when he said he doesn't like it and would rather not deal with it, but then there's Tyler, high fiving him and making him feel all good about himself.

It’s not like he can't have sex or anything; he _can_. Without a problem, really. It’s just that he’d much rather not, unless it’s with someone he trusts and even then it’s really whatever to him. The entire idea of sex is entirely _whatever_ to him. He doesn't care for it, so he doesn't have it. Case closed.

“Mine would be ‘Hope I Don't Regret This In The Morning’ because seriously, who records sex tapes?” Tyler looks slightly appalled as he looks down at his lap. “Just enjoy the person you're with while you're with them. No need to, like, record it.”

 _Porn, though_ , Josh points out.

“I've never been a fan.” Tyler scrunches up his nose and shudders. “No, thanks. Hit me with another Q.”

 _If you could do anything with your life, what would it be? Career wise or whatever_.

“Huh… probably start a band. I always wanted to travel the world when I was younger. Just something about seeing new places and experiencing new cultures while creating my own thing, you know? It spiked my interest and to be able to do it while doing something else I love? It’s a perfect arrangement. And I always have a lot to say, always have a message to get out, to make people listen to if they don't want to read it, but…” Tyler sighs and shrugs one shoulder. “It’s impractical. People hear, but they never actually pay attention and listen to anything I say. Except you, maybe.”

Tyler reaches up and starts twirling his hair between his fingers, teeth catching at his lower lip before continuing. “I mean, if I wrote a song, I'd want it to sound happy; a complete contrast to my chaotic thoughts. People would dance to it, sing the lyrics, but no one would _actually_ care about the verses about me waging wars behind my face and above my throat. So, I guess I’d be a lifeguard.”

Josh stares at him until Tyler looks up at him shyly, almost nervous to see Josh’s reaction to the whole topic. All Josh does is offer him a supportive smile and starts replying.

_You’re amazing. I’d be the dude in the ocean drowning._

Tyler lets out a breathy laugh, pushing Josh’s knee playfully. “It would be a priviledge to save you, Joshua.”

_My last name is Dun. Joshua William Dun._

“You sound like some sorta prince.” Tyler blinks, a smile still playing on the curves of his lips. “Tyler Robert Joseph.”

They continue asking each other lighthearted questions: favourite movie, favourite childhood memory, favourite tattoo, favourite type of fruit, favourite video game, favourite tv show, favourite band and so on. They do this while ignoring any of the nurses peaking in and watching them as if they were lunatics. They don't care. They’re too focused on the other to care.

“Why don't you speak? Honest question, I'm not trying to annoy you.” Tyler says quickly and Josh isn't annoyed with him, far from it.

He takes a deep breath, trying to think of a way to quickly and efficiently write this out.

_I just don't see the point, I guess._

“Wouldn't it be easier if you just spoke, though?” Tyler curses. “Man, I sound like such an insensitive dickbag right now.”

Josh chuckles and shakes his head to show that he's not offended at all. Tyler sighs in relief and leans back on his hands again, studying Josh closely. It’s an intimate gaze and Josh forces himself to keep his cheeks from flushing.

_It would. But I have really, really bad anxiety. If I opened my mouth and talked to you, I'd be a stuttering mess._

“That’s adorable.” Tyler gushes and Josh scowls.

_No. I was bullied for this in high school!_

“Aw man, I'm sorry, J.” Tyler reaches over and pats his knee soothingly.

 _It’s cool. I guess when I came here and after all the times I tried to get my parents to see I was… not okay--_ Josh has to let Tyler read it and erase it to continue his thought. _I realized that my cries for help were forced into deaf ears. They didn't care. So, I thought, what's the point in talking?_

“You basically said ‘fuck it’ and now you're my cute mute best friend.” Tyler sticks his tongue out when Josh rolls his eyes.

_Keep the compliments comin’ baby_

“Ooh, baby, we’re already at pet names I see.” Tyler jokes and Josh laughs loudly, a hand coming up and smacking over his mouth in his shock. “No, don't do that! I like your laugh!”

Josh pulls his hand away, grinning embarrassedly down at his board before thinking of an honest question for Tyler to answer.

_Are you okay?_

Tyler’s smile falters once he reads it and he looks at Josh. He really looks at him and Josh feels like his skin has been lit on fire under Tyler’s scrutinizing gaze. Maybe he shouldn't have asked a question with such an obvious answer.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ Josh chants to himself.

“You know what, Josh? I think I _am_ okay. Maybe not, like, in the sense of my mental illnesses and all that, but _I'm_ okay. I'm well fed. I've got a roof over my head. I’m as healthy as a depressed schizo can be,” Tyler’s smile is back and his dimple pops. “I wake up every morning and sometimes I'm tormented with the memories of my nightmares, but then I remember that those aren't real and that _could_ be my life, but it’s not. I’m lucky and I'm here, trying to learn to get better instead. Not dying due to crashing cars being driven by Blurryface or something.”

Josh notices the way he watches him as he says Blurryface’s name, knowing full well Josh knows who and what that is. Perks of reading his notebook and all.

“What I'm getting at is that I'm okay and we’re both alive, J. Some people don't get to have that-- that choice.” Tyler says, grabbing Josh’s hand. “I used to smoke. I wanted to, like, get cancer or something so I could die from something I couldn't stop. That way my family wouldn't blame me and accuse me of being selfish, you know? But I haven't had a cigarette in near 3 months, man. I don't even _want_ one anymore.” Tyler pauses, looking down at their linked hands. “If either of us had died, we wouldn't have met. _God_ , after all this, after all we’ve been through, we’re _still_ alive, Josh. We’re alive.”

There’s tears in both of their eyes when Josh squeezes Tyler’s hand tightly in his own before letting go and grabbing his marker.

_Well, that much is obvious, isn't it?_

Tyler laughs and leans forward, pressing his forehead to Josh’s shoulder affectionately, his other hand laying gently against the side of his throat, feeling Josh's heartbeat beneath his fingers.

Josh lets himself forget about the fact he’d have to leave this vulnerable boy in a month's time if his therapist sees him fit enough to go back home and wraps his arm around Tyler in a poor excuse for a hug.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always appreciated. thank you for leaving them! 
> 
> come chat w me on twitter sometime: @babsisnotsocial


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't forgotten about this.
> 
> Here's a short one; sorry I took so long, my friends. 
> 
> Song of the chapter:
> 
> Meet Me in the Hallway - Harry Styles

Josh wakes up to the sound of hushed whispering from the other side of the room.

Glancing over at Tyler’s bed tiredly, he lifts a hand to wipe at his eyes in the hopes to wake him up somewhat before he can see what’s going on. When he blinks and his eyes finally adjust to the darkness, he notices Tyler clinging to his knees, his body curling in on itself.

“It wasn't real,” Josh hears him saying to himself as he gets out of his bed. “Just a dream, not real.”

Then a sob bursts through the room and Josh is scrambling over to Tyler’s bed without a single care other than making sure he’s okay.

Tyler’s head is burried in his arms, crying softly when Josh reaches out and runs his fingers through his hair to get his attention, twisting them carefully so that he’d look up at him. It works, his head snapping up immediately, a look of shock settling on his face.

“Josh?” Tyler whispers and Josh nods, moving his fingers from Tyler’s hair to his cheek.

He doesn't know what could have broken Tyler up like this in the middle of the night and he hopes the look of concern on his face shows that he’s worried as all hell about him.

“You’re okay, Josh?” Tyler’s voice cracks as he asks and Josh nods again, ignoring his confusion for the moment and trying to help him. It seems to flood Tyler with relief as he leans into his hand. “Oh, God, it was just a dream.”

Josh tilts his head, leaning his knee onto the bed to get more comfortable as he grabs Tyler’s face firmly in his hands, making sure Tyler knows that whatever he had seen in this nightmare wasn't real because Josh was fine and in front of him. Tyler nods as if Josh’s hands were anchors bringing him back and grounding him to reality and Josh can feel the shuddering breaths he’s breathing in to calm down.

Josh wipes absently at the stray tears on Tyler’s cheeks and let’s go, dropping them back down as he slowly questions Tyler with a look he hopes he can see on his face in the darkness.

“I'm fine, I just had a bad dream.” Tyler shudders again, probably reliving the moment. “I almost killed you.”

Josh’s eyes widen in surprise and Tyler shakes his head quickly.

“I- I don't know why you were in it,” Tyler admits, pleading desperately for him to understand. “Remember how I told you about that nightmare about Blurry driving a car? It was the same one, I was prepared for it, you know? It’s like a never ending loop of déjà vu whenever I have it, because it’s always the same. Only when I thought that exact thing _in_ the dream, Blurry laughed from the driver's seat, snapped his fingers and there you were in the middle of the road.”

Josh could see the tears welling up in Tyler's eyes and feels his throat and mouth go dry as sandpaper, any words he wishes he could say evaporating.

“I didn't-- I tried t-to stop him, but he wouldn't stop until he hit you, Josh.” Tyler wipes under his nose where snot had started to leak, making a face right after. “I woke up when he was about to hit you.”

It hurts Josh to see Tyler looking and sounding so afraid, so he sits down next to him in the hopes that the gesture is comforting and an _I’m here for you, I'm listening._

Tyler doesn't bring his knees down, he doesn't even move from the corner of the bed he’s backed himself into. He just stares ahead at the darkness of their room, slightly dazed.

“You wouldn't move. I don't know why. You were just…” Tyler smiles sadly, flicking his eyes toward him for a second. “You were playing drums. In the middle of the road. You looked so determined to… I don't know what. Change the world. I don't know.”

Josh chuckles, brimming with pride at the fact Tyler remembered his love for drumming. He misses his drums, actually.

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” Tyler sighs, moving further away from Josh, as if he needed to get away. “You don't usually wake up.”

 _This has happened before?_ Josh thinks horrified and Tyler chuckles.

“It happens a lot, yeah. Not everyone can sleep soundly at night.” Tyler says bitterly. “You know, for someone who’s depressed you sure do get a lot of sleep.”

Josh gets up lightning fast, his own eyes suddenly prickling with tears. It’s not his fault he didn't get nightmares at night. He takes sleeping pills before bed that knock him right out without any room for waking up in between. It’s not his fault.

He doesn't need Tyler of all people judging him for things out of his control.

“M’sorry, I didn't mean it--” Tyler starts to say, but Josh shakes his head, turning around and going back to his bed.

He faces the wall away from Tyler, neither of them speaking again with only the sound of their sniffles in the silence being heard.

 

* * *

 

Josh doesn't sit by the window the next day because Tyler is there and from the looks of it, waiting for him.

Tyler is anxiously biting at his already cut nails, the facility not letting them grow them out because they’re scared they’ll cut themselves with them. When he spots Josh beelining it away from their usual spot, he winces as though Josh physically hurt him.

For once, Josh doesn't care.

Josh sits on the couch opposite where the TV is. Today a group of them were playing mario kart and as soon as Josh sits, a kid is offering the game controller to him.

Josh takes it gratefully, selecting princess Peach as his character and ignoring the snickers from the other 3 people playing. Player 1 chooses Yoshi Falls as the race track and when the countdown starts, Josh feels someone sit next to him.

He doesn't need to look over to know who it is.

“Who are you playing as?” Tyler asks softly, his voice high and breathy; nervous.

Josh shrugs, eyes focused on the screen. He’s in second place and he just got a red shell, a small smirk forming on his lips when he sees Bowser, the current user in first place.

He uses his red shell, knocking bowser out of the way and snagging first place with only one more round to go. He doesn't remember the last time he won at Mario kart (or anything, really) and the feeling growing in his chest, the competitiveness, is surprising.

“So, you're princess Peach? That’s so sick.” Tyler says, clearing his throat. “I’m more of a Yoshi guy, but that's real neat.”

Josh clenches his jaw, eyes narrowing and never leaving the TV. He’s doing a fine job of not letting it get to him until he gets motherfucking blue shelled.

He finishes in fucking fourth place.

Tyler tries telling him he did good while Josh gives his controller away to get up and leave. He doesn't want to talk to Tyler at all today, maybe tomorrow he’ll be in a better mood, but right now, he’s bitter and in the mood to be petty.

He tries going to his room, but Tyler follows him, chatting away next to him the entire way until Josh stops dead in his tracks.

“Everything okay, J?”

Josh shakes his head, pointing at Tyler and then back in the direction of the day room. A definite _leave me alone_ gesture that makes Tyler swallow hard.

“You don't want me around, huh?” Tyler whispers and Josh shakes his head without thinking, his anger getting the best of him because no, he doesn't want him around right now. Tyler’s face falls. “Okay.”

Tyler leaves him alone after that, giving him the peace and quiet he asked for.

Josh isn't so sure he likes it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's something about this story, man. I think it's my favourite that I've ever written and I'm not sure why bc it's a total mess. I just want to say thank you to those of you who do read it and those who leave feedback. It means the entire world to me. :)
> 
> Song(s) of the chapter:
> 
> Give - You Me At Six  
> Loving Someone - The 1975  
> 

Tyler does a really good job of leaving Josh alone and staying out of his way, barely muttering an apology when they cross paths before scurrying away from him.

Josh feels terrible; it weighs down on his chest and crushes his heart in a way that shouldn’t be physically painful, but it _is_.

He was a complete asshole to the one friend he has and he needs to fix it.

Tyler has been taking his dinner and eating it by himself in their room so that Josh doesn't have to see him. Josh knows this because he _knows_ Tyler and Tyler wouldn't want to inconvenience Josh with his presence if he didn't want him there.

God, Josh is such an asshole.

Once he makes it into the cafeteria and doesn't spot Tyler anywhere, confirming his theory further, he grabs a plate of the bland hamburger they've made and heads straight to their room. People try to stop him to talk to him, but he just shakes his head and continues to walk ahead.

He hadn't been bringing his board anywhere because he doesn't have anything to say to anyone. He has nothing to contribute during therapy either. It feels as though he’s back at square one, but no, he’s supposedly _okay_ enough to leave.

He enters their room with a indignant huff, his entire being disagreeing with his therapists idea of okay. Clearly the two of them had very different meanings for the word.

“Uh, hi.” Tyler says from his bed and Josh can't help but stop dead in his tracks and stare.

Tyler was talking to him.

“Why--” Tyler pauses, shifting slightly in his cross-legged position. “Why are you here? Not that I don't want you here, but… I’m trying to, I don't know, give you space like you wanted.”

Josh almost blurts out that Tyler is an idiot. Almost. It’s very tempting, but not enough to be the reason to break his silence just yet.

He walks over to the desk, placing his plate down and grabbing his board before looking at Tyler and back down, writing the truth.

 _I miss you_.

“Oh.” Tyler whispers, swallowing nervously. “Really?”

Josh nods.

“Oh.” Tyler repeats, then the silence takes over all over again.

Josh takes a deep breath, trying to get rid of the small panic he feels rising in his chest before it gets too bad to handle. Having a panic attack while talking to Tyler definitely isn't on his list of things he wants to do today, so he’s going to avoid that as much as he can.

Tyler doesn't really say much else, just eats his food in the quiet that surrounds them. Josh decides to do the same, a sigh passing his lips as he starts eating his plain burger, not really having thought of putting any condiments on it when all he had on his mind was talking to Tyler.

When Tyler gets up to leave, his body reacts faster than his mind as he goes after him and grabs his hand desperately.

 _Please_ , Josh mouths and Tyler’s eyes widen.

“Were you about to--” Tyler starts in a whisper, then shakes his head. “Sorry, it doesn't matter. Okay. Okay, I'll stay. I'm sorry.”

Josh shakes his head; the problem was never Tyler, it was him. He’s the one who keeps pushing Tyler away subconsciously and regretting it afterward.

“Alright, yeah, you're an asshole,” Tyler nods, a soft teasing smile on his face. “I'm glad we can agree on something.”

Josh rolls his eyes, dropping Tyler’s hand and going back to the desk. He looks at his half eaten burger and wrinkles his nose in disgust before grabbing his board and marker.

 _I feel like something’s missing without you_.

“That’s sweet,” Tyler walks back over to his bed, sitting down on it carelessly. “Is this your idea of flirting?”

Josh scoffs, sitting down next to him.

 _Definitely not. I’m just saying how I feel_.

“I’m not a therapist,” Tyler replies casually, shrugging. “I don't know what you want me to say.”

Biting his lip, Josh tries to think of a way to tell Tyler that he’d be leaving soon. As much as he fights Darlene over her reasonings, she won't keep him here if she sees him fit enough to leave. They have to create available rooms for the people who need it more, Josh knows, but _he_ still selfishly thinks he needs it despite what she thinks.

_Would you miss me if I left?_

He lets Tyler read it and almost immediately, he’s grabbing onto Josh’s arm tightly, his fingers digging into his skin as his eyes lock with his.

“Left how? By… By killing yourself?” Tyler asks, worrying at his bottom lip while Josh’s eyes widen.

 _No, no. Not that. I wouldn't…_ Josh swallows knowing that's a lie, so he erases it. _I just meant leaving this place. The facility._

“Oh, well, _yeah_ , of course I'd miss you.” Tyler replies sincerely, the genuine look on his face making Josh’s throat close up.

Pathetic. If he cries over this, he’ll honestly be the most pathetic person on earth. This wasn't even a sad conversation yet, let alone a reason to cry.

“Why?” Tyler presses, noticing Josh get lost in his head. Josh stiffens as Tyler drops his arm.

 _They told me I'd be leaving in the next few weeks_.

Tyler is silent after he reads it, completely avoiding Josh’s look of concern. Josh wants to reach out and comfort him, but he’s frozen to his spot, his body working against him.

“That’s… Josh, that’s amazing,” Tyler says, though his voice is strained. “I’m happy for you.”

 _I don't think I should leave,_ Josh writes quickly, trying to reassure Tyler that this wasn't his decision.

Tyler finally looks at him, a shaky breath passing his lips before he’s nodding. Josh’s frown deepens, his chest hurting again and all he needs is a fucking hug.

“Tell me something,” Tyler leans forward while Josh purses his lips to prepare for his question. “You told me you've attempted to kill yourself multiple times, yes?”

Josh narrows his eyes, but nods to answer his question. He tilts his head, silently asking why that’s relevant.

“Which time do you wish you'd gone through with?” Tyler continues, watching Josh’s expression carefully, but Josh keeps his face blank. “There has to be a time where you wish you’d done it and it keeps you up at night that you didn't, nagging in the back of your mind and practically yelling at you for failing.”

Josh looks at the ceiling for a second, thinking it through.

Tyler isn't wrong. Sometimes he hates himself for not commiting when he had all the chances he’s had and there's _a lot_. He could’ve rid himself of this low feeling he constantly feels, but instead chose to live and _try_ like it’s some kind of heroic gesture. His siblings put him on a pedestal for it, for getting help, but he hates himself deep down for being a failure in the one thing he wishes he’d done.

Josh writes as small as he can, trying to fit as much on his board as possible.

 _There was this time when my family went on a mini vacation and stayed in this hotel. I’d snuck out in the middle of the night and went up to the 24th floor. The roof_.

Tyler reads it and nods, waiting patiently for Josh to erase it and continue.

_I know how to nitpick locks, so getting up there wasn't hard. I stood at the edge for hours, trying to force myself over._

“Why didn't you?” Tyler asks softly, not moving to touch him.

Josh smiles, remembering the moment like it was yesterday.

 _It was a beautiful night to be alive. The stars were out, the cars below me were racing, honking at each other,_ Josh pauses trying to blink back tears and letting Tyler read it before erasing it. _I thought about how my family would remember me… how broken they'd be if I died in such a tragic way._

Josh takes a shaky breath, some tears falling down onto his cheeks no matter how hard he tries to stop them.

_I decided that I didn't want to die on that night, despite how angry the devil on my shoulder was. I took a deep breath and thought: stay alive for a little longer._

“And you regret it.” Tyler finishes and Josh nods.

 _I should have done it. It would have been so simple, but I was scared for my family_.

Tyler reaches forward then, brushing away the tears falling on his cheeks. He shakes his head with a sad smile, grabbing Josh’s face in his hands and leaning forward until their foreheads touch affectionately.

“I’m so proud of you,” Tyler’s voice breaks, the words hitting Josh so hard. “I'm so fucking proud of you for not doing it.”

Tyler lets him go, leaning back and intertwining his fingers together, trying not to fidget with nervousness. Josh can't process anything that’s happening other than Tyler is proud of him, he’s _proud_. He doesn't remember when the last time someone told him that was. Maybe his sister, when he first came here, but he’d brushed it off completely.

“You’ve made it so far, Josh,” Tyler’s eyes look glossier than usual. “You’ve been through hell and back and you'll be able to leave this place soon, you realize that, right? You’ve made it.”

Josh shrugs, not wanting to argue with Tyler over how he still tends to have suicidal tendencies.

“Josh, I know it’s still there, in your head,” Tyler points to his temple, as if reading his mind. “You just need to fight it. Take the pain you feel, the-- the hurt and self hate and doubt… and turn it into something beautiful instead.”

Josh snorts, the _like_ _what? Where do I even start?_ floating in the air.

“I don't know how,” Tyler whispers, ignoring the nurse poking her head into their room. “Drum? Start creating whenever you feel low. Make music. Take out your emotions by creating something so loud it blocks out the thoughts you get.”

Josh wants to say that’s not a bad idea, but he can't agree with Tyler until he’s tried it. He doesn't want to get his hopes up for nothing.

“You're going to leave, wow.” Tyler chuckles, sounding breathless as he does. “I think I may love you.”

Josh stops breathing, his heart physically stopping in his chest as he locks his eyes with Tyler.

“Not _in_ love with you, just… love you as a friend,” Tyler assures him, sighing. “It’s not a good thing. Love is messy, a stupid concept made up by people to assure others that they’re _cared_ for. You know what I think?”

Tyler looks over at him and Josh raises an eyebrow questioningly. Tyler smirks, leaning back on his hands as he shrugs, indifferent.

“I think it’s complete bullshit. If you love someone, you _show_ them that you do. Your words mean fuck all if you don't prove it.”

Josh nods, agreeing with him seeing as he wasn't much of a fan of romantic love and the need to be reassured of the love he shares with a person constantly. He honestly couldn't care less.

“Like, you don't have to tell me you love your siblings, you know? Your actions already lead me to believe you do.” Tyler elaborates, scratching his neck. “You’re living somewhere between a promise that you’d die for them, while trying to live for them, too.”

Josh sucks in a breath of surprise at how well Tyler can read him.

 _You've shown me you love me by accepting me_ , Josh writes instead, making Tyler’s lips curve upward in amusement.

“Yeah,” Tyler whispers, as a nurse walks back into the room, then repeats it more loudly. “Yeah.”

“Josh?” The nurse asks tentatively and Josh doesn't even glance at her, just keeps his eyes on Tyler. “You have visitors.”

Josh’s face twists up in confusion, trying to remember if Ashley said she’d be visiting him. She said she couldn't, she was busy with school and work, he’s positive. He wouldn't have forgotten if she said she’d be coming.

“It’s your parents.”

 

* * *

 

Josh sits opposite of his mother and father, watching them with a poker face and no idea why they decided to come.

His board rests in his lap, although he doesn't think he’ll use it at all. He doesn't like talking to them, not since they pushed him away when he let them in.

It’s like they think he’s a completely different person now that they know about his… problems.

It breaks his heart thinking about how close he used to be with the both of them.

“Hi, Josh.” His dad starts off and he nods in reply, trying to stop his hands from shaking in his lap. “How are you?”

Josh shrugs without thinking and his dad rolls his eyes, crossing his arms on the table.

“You still mute, son? Is that the word? Mute?”

Josh feels his heartbeat pick up as he nods, swallowing hard and looking around the room where other people are scattered. They wouldn't start a scene in a public place.

Josh’s father scoffs, turning to his mother to share a look quickly before addressing him directly. “Unbelievable. People go through much worse than you and you have the-- the-- the _audacity_ to pull this shit. Who the hell even are you anymore?”

Josh feels his eyes well up with tears.

 _I’m Josh,_ he wants to say. _I’m your son. I haven't changed, why can't you see that?_

“This place hasn't done anything to help you, they just took away your goddamn voice from what I can see.” His father continues his rant and Josh is thankful he’s not yelling.

He looks over to his mother who is watching him intently and remembers what Ashley said about her still talking to him even though he’s not there, at home with them. He wants to roll his eyes and scoff because his mother in front of him looks like she’d rather be anywhere else but here.

His parents don't care if he lives or dies; he’s just a burden on them and it’s not a good realization, though it's been at the back of his mind for ages.

Tears fall unexpectedly, sharp teeth catching at his bottom lip to stop the sob waiting to burst out of his throat.

“They say that you're doing better, but look at you,” His dad waves a hand at him. “A damn mess. You're a mess.”

Josh hangs his head, lifting his hand up to wipe at the tears, but they just keep flowing. He hates it, he _hates_ it.

“We’re going,” His dad starts getting up, turning back to him. “We came because they said you'd be coming home soon. All I see is a pathetic 21 year old who has everyone fooled. They can keep you here, Joshua. We don't care.”

 _I wish they would_ , Josh almost shouts, but instead just nods and watches his parents go, his mother glancing back at him sadly before they disappear out the door.

He feels like he's done something wrong, this entire visit making him feel so goddamn _bad_. If he were home, he’d have his blade cutting into his skin already, but he’s here instead. He’s here where they supposedly help him.

It’s a fucking slap in the face that he can't seem to not let their words get to him. He shouldn't even care so much, but he does, god, he does.

He walks into his room to an awaiting Tyler pacing and as soon as he sees Josh and his tear stained face, his morphs into one of sympathy.

“Oh, Josh.” Tyler says brokenly, walking over to him and grabbing the board from him, tossing it on Josh’s bed before wrapping his arms around him. “I’m here.”

Josh’s eyes widen before he’s gripping onto Tyler’s shirt and letting out the strangled sob he was holding back, shoving his face into his neck in an attempt to muffle his cries.

Tyler shushes him, not once uttering the words _it’s okay_ because he knows it’s not. Everything was far from okay and it wouldn't get better for him. For anyone. They both know this, but the hug means everything and more to Josh. It’s exactly what he’s needed and the fact Tyler cares so much makes him pull back slightly.

He takes a deep breath, his mouth opening before he’s shutting it again, reaching up and wiping his face before trying again. And again.

Tyler waits patiently, watching Josh try and fail, squeezing his arms encouragingly when he sighs in frustration.

Until the words leave his mouth, raspy and hoarse from disuse. “Love you.”

Tyler’s jaw drops to the ground before he’s laughing, light and airy, a single tear of his own falling to his face.

“I know, Josh.” Tyler assures him, burying his face in his hair and tightening his arms around him. “ _I know._ ”

And whether it matters to anyone or not, Josh has never felt more safe in his life.


End file.
